A letter to my Inner Child

Hello little champ,

I know it’s been a while, I’ve kept you in my shadows for far too long. I am sorry for that, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t realise until recently that most of the reactions or emotions that I could not really work on and resolve were actually originating and mirroring what you felt and bottled up. I had never given you the space and voice to let it out, and that was very negligent of me. You have not had a very challenging childhood or difficult upbringing, but you haven’t had it easy either, and I acknowledge that. I know you had loving, caring parents but you did struggle feeling much loved in the initial phase of your evolution. You don’t remember much of the early years, but you do have flashes of feeling mishandled by relatives and family friends, though it is not too violating or daunting, but you did not understand what was happening or why, you felt fraught. You missed the presence of your dad tremendously as his job kept him away for long periods of time, which seemed indefinite to you, for you hadn’t understood the concept of time yet. You felt uneasy and restless without him around, you stood and waited by the balcony hoping that maybe he would be back from his voyages. You remember how every night, mom made a ritual of praying before going to bed, and you would pray with her and bhaiya..hoping that Daddy stays safe while sailing through piracy prone zones and sending him our love and good wishes, while also making us promise to her never to take up such a profession, because she did not want this cycle to continue. At first, you felt surprised because you idolised your father, and you wondered why mom would not want us to be like him, because you did not know that you could be like him without having to emulate his life decisions. You also felt anger because you really craved a physically present male caregiver – someone to go to the playground with, someone to play cricket with you or take you to tennis lessons – a father to enjoy those moments with..maybe you did, but you certainly don’t have any memory of it, and I feel you..it does suck not knowing if something happened and you don’t remember it or questioning if it ever happened at all, but regardless I very well know how you felt.

Life progressed, you learnt how to cope with the lifestyle you were born into. You were getting brainwashed by cultural teachings, religious propoganda and societal norms, while you also walked into a school everyday to conform to rules and exist within the confines of what is expected and acceptable, but you had no clue about it (well, no one does till eons later). You discovered your athletic side early, you were a good sprinter and had an affinity towards sports. You were also close to becoming an all-rounded young cricket phenomenon but started playing tennis by chance (thank you bhaiya) and became quite the prodigy, advancing levels and winning your first tournament before turning 10. It is still one of our biggest achievements till date, because the sport sparked something within us that we didn’t realise until a few years later. I still remember when Daddy came to watch the semi-finals, and even though I won, he said that it was quite a boring game (ofcourse it was, it was kids playing, afterall) – and it felt like a tiny piece of you had broken. Ofcourse he didn’t mean it like that, and he never came for another tennis game of yours, but you really seeked his approval and that made you feel like your talent or victory was not appreciated. But mom certainly did accompany you, till it became troublesome and bothered you because of external forces. You were always shy, but tennis made you confident, it made you believe in yourself, you learnt to back yourself when you had no support around and I admire that about you. The more you fell in love with tennis, the more you devoted attention and energy towards the sport, which meant it impacted your performance at school. You became one of the top players in your city, won several tournaments, reached top 50 in India and top 250 in Asia – these numbers did not mean that much to you because you knew you could be better, to prove to yourself and your parents that you are worthy, because your low grades and lack of discipline would work against you – you would be scolded, hit, compared with your brother and your friends..and you started feeling that you would never be enough. You distracted yourself by focusing on the limited fame and popularity that this brought to you, which meant socialising, interacting with girls and believing you had so many friends who saw your potential and worth more than the ones back home. You discovered rebellious behaviour, tuning into these distractions more and also falling into trouble at school, with grades showing no signs of improvement. This all led to your first heartbreak, when you were informed to let go of your dreams of pursuing professional tennis and focus on studies, because your parents did not believe you would make a living out of the sport and you had to study and make a career for yourself. Boy oh boy was that a tough moment, even though they were playing safe and looking out for you, which you did not see then. Remember the agony brought by the shattering of your dream, the disbelief of having your own family not believe in you, the hatred towards the world because you could not have it your way, the shame from just disappearing from the tennis radar? I can articulate it all now but you could just feel a mixed range of deep emotions, that drove you insane with rage..you wanted to destroy everything around you. Instead of losing your shit, you just decided to stop thinking about it and move on by focusing on studies and proving to mom and dad that you could be smart too, just for that validation, that acceptance..that hope of maybe they would know that you are enough. You had close friends who were there for you but to whom you could never open up, because you didn’t know how to, nobody at that age would even discuss these things..so you just believed that you would have to deal with everything on your own, without the tools.

You gave up playing tennis for a couple of years after representing your school and winning the tournament..worked your ass off in this vengeful hunt for 10th standard grades as good as my brothers’, because that was what you had blurted out when hurting from the “giving up your dream” discussion that turned into an argument. You managed to live up to your words, I remember you thinking that this would be enough and your worth would be realised, but instead the credit for the hardwork I had put into it went to mom’s superstitious and astrological beliefs. I remember you losing your shit, noticing the rage coming out through words of disbelief towards her and just screaming with pain..but nothing changed, I was still not validated and credited. You had many other personal events adding to pain and disappointment, but music and time in isolation helped you move past them. You had to experience extended family drama and see how it traumatised your mom, and with bro and dad away..you had to step-in, protect her and look after her, so you just nudged all the unresolved emotions and dealt with life in front of you. The stressful nights, the “what the fuck should I do now” moments that you went through in this phase of mumma’s life were so damaging to your own mental and emotional health, but you decided to focus on helping her get back on her feet and instilling life, confidence and faith within her again..not caring about being credited, just doing it out of your big heart filled with love and care for the woman who brought you into this world and raised you in those circumstances. I still don’t know how on earth you pulled all this off, despite the nemesis-y historical relationship with mom. Then there was the incident with bhaiya getting hospitalised, mom rushing to Bangalore and you having to manage the household and school life by yourself – and I noticed the responsible and mature side to you, but you still had no outlet for your emotions, you still felt insecure, out of place and lost. People tried to keep you company and distract you from that, but it was all temporary, wasn’t it? You developed coping mechanisms of people-pleasing, humour and reclusion. You experienced instances in previous relationships that reminded you of suppressed emotions or triggered wounds, and you didn’t know what to do..you would be filled with anger, inflict self-harm, punch walls and drive rash or just be unnecessarily rude and hurtful with words or just become inert…none of it was good for you, but you never realised why stupidities elicited such reactions from you. There are many more things that I can think of, but they are mostly interlinked to emotions and thoughts already mentioned above. You convinced yourself that you would always feel lonely, that you would need someone else to make you feel complete and whole again, that no one would understand, accept, appreciate and value you exactly how you are. You were hungry for a sense of control, for everything happening to you and around you seemed to be out of control. You believed that you would have to deal with your shit by yourself, and that helping others (we still love doing that, by the way) out would be your way of seeking solace and being at peace. What you did not realise is that you were craving real love, attention..someone to peel your layers off and see the real you and want to hold and look after you. What you did not realise is that you needed to pour out everything kept inside, that was slowly eating up the insides of your beautiful mind. And what I failed to realise is that you needed me, not only to hold you, but also to let you know that everything you thought and felt was justified..and I wish I could’ve gotten to you sooner and made you feel safe again.

It’s been a few months since I’ve dealt into the concept of trauma, wounds and healing..and researched on the topic, because my current relationship has inspired me to do so. Several heart-to-hearts and mind-to-mind discussions with my partner and her life made me dwell more on this, and over time..I realised that a lot of our own issues stemmed from the things that should’ve happened and would have filled your cup, but did not happen..while the things that did happen, never made you feel complete and whole. Your cup, my cup, our cup..is for me to fill now, for we are grown enough now to not point fingers at others, realise that they did their best with whatever they knew and had…plus, as my shell said..conscious parenting was far away from the anthropological radar. There are many things I want to tell you – you have made an amazing human of yourself at a rather young age, you have delved deep into the trenches of your mind, heart and soul to find yourself, be self-aware, recognize your issues and work on them to be better and not let them have power over you. We struggled with many things, but we have learnt how to accept, feel and let go of the burdens. Some issues kept coming back, and it was only after exposing myself to media surrounding such topics, I realised that it was not completely healed, even though I thought it was, because it originated from you..and I never gave you the limelight and embraced the spectacle you had to exhibit. You are still learning and growing, you are on the right path (right because we feel so good about ourselves) and you will constantly overcome any adversity that comes your way, because you have realised your self-worth, inculcated self-love, and are aware of those who support you. We are actively trying to heal and be ready to soak in the sunlight of life, wherever it might be. We have unlearnt everything we were taught, and then re-learnt what makes the most sense or speaks to us – we have questioned everything to figure ourselves out better and create our own identity, an open-minded being aspiring to make the world a better place. There is so much more, but you get the gist of it – we are doing great now and it would not have been possible without you and how you managed to build yourself up and find genial ways of handling situations. I want to thank you, and I want you to know that I love and appreciate you, and I deeply apologize for taking so long to sit with you, hear you out, feel the emotions you never dealt with and understand you. You are no longer in the shadow, rather..you’re the light that ignites the soul and invigorates me with hope and wholesomeness. You are held, valued, loved and cherished deeply. I hope you find solace knowing that you are safe now, because I have your back. I have always believed in your capabilties, even when you lacked compassionate support, and I hope you know that you have and will proceed to do greater things in life..with me holding your hand through it all.

Your guardian angel,
Anubhav.