Anubhav Tirath Lal

Just Another Day

Have you ever slept 8 hours, but woke up feeling like shit?
So numb and disconnected, that you wanted to take a hit?
Go into work contemplating over actually wanting to quit?
Be part of the “corporate” culture, where you clearly do not fit?
Realising everything you’re “supposed” to do are things you want to omit.

You go sit in front of the screen, earphones on, coping through music,
Nothing really feels good, but the sounds are therapeutic,
The lyrical, mellifluous medicine, curbs you from feeling sick,
You close your eyes, take deep breaths, prepare yourself for the public,
Aiming to deceive ’em, pretending everything’s alright, ain’t that tragic?

Time passes by slowly, you eventually tune into your zone,
In a workplace environment, but you can’t maintain a professional tone,
Resort to joking and entertaining others, so I don’t have to be on my own,
Try to focus and get stuff done, productivity has to be shown,
When it’s time to leave, you realise your to-do-list has only grown.

Muddling through the cold and the late bus, you’re back to where you live,
Too much sucked out of you, you have too little left to give,
Muster up the energy to cook and eat in order to survive,
Gobble up the vitamin and meds that help your body revive,
Brace yourself for tomorrow, but the much-needed vigor you cannot derive.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, you lay down in bed,
Hoping to just doze off and not deal with what’s going on in your head,
The limtless intrusive thoughts, you’re barely hanging by a thread,
So weary and alone, you choke up with tears you’re unable to shed,
A vicious, repetitive cycle of everyday life you’ve started to dread.

To put your mind to bed, you try and meditate,
Feel gratitude for life, hoping optimism can elevate,
Wishing you feel better somehow, and that it’s not too late,
Yearning to be at peace and knocking on contentment’s gate,
Until you finally fall asleep, these thoughts reverberate.

Written on 2nd February, 2023 at 11pm CET

Chronic Blamers

There is a special breed of people that you might meet,
Where nothing will seem wrong at the initial peek,
But if you spend enough time for them to reveal,
You’ll realise they are diagnosed with an irksome disease.

This vexing malady feeds off of their insecurity,
Pointing fingers at others..avoid taking responsibility,
No matter how miniscule the issue might be,
They ensure that you feel sorry and they are guilt-free,
They manage to shift the fault and shame with such disdain,
Playing the “innocent” victim is their favourite game.

The issue never seems to be with them but always the other,
This stubbornness turns into a toxic mental smother,
Surprising how quick they are to deny, cover up and sigh,
Without realising how this pathogen ruins them on the inside,
Their minds always in a haze, thoughts clouded by their constant phase,
It is baffling how they live in denial with such grace.

If you read this and it pinches you,
You’re one of ’em, you need to change your blinded view,
Or if someone has previously called you out,
You need to come to terms with it and start to doubt,
Take a step back, self-reflect and realise when the fault is your own,
Only then the seed of convalescence within you can be sown.

People will appreciate it if you own up to your mistake,
And try to rectify them instead of looking for an escape,
For we are all beings who need to be kind and understand,
That you are trapped in a cycle and need a helping hand.
Always remember that it’s not always about who is right,
More about learning and growing together in hindsight.

Take responsibility for the role you play in your own misery,
Your psyche, it’s a prison, can’t you see?
Chronic Blamers, I hope you hear my plea,
I know you can change your ways and break free.

Interlude

Meaning: An interlude is an instrumental passage that connects different parts of the song. Interludes generally do not have a fixed length and some artists may even use interludes to transition from one song to another in an album.

I know it’s been a while [(69+23) days] since I last posted, so this is the “passage” to fill you in on that gap. It’s been an arduous last few months (to say the least), as I tried to finally deal with the plethora of thoughts and emotions constantly rupturing my mind. It’s not been easy at all, if I’m being completely honest..but nothing is ever easy for me. People see me as this easygoing, gregarious being, but they wouldn’t be able to comprehend how challenging it is for this soul. The way I am, the dynamics of my cerebrum, the depth of my emotions..is all just too much for me to decompose sometimes.

I usually detach myself from my thoughts and emotions, and focus on others so that I don’t have to deal with myself. But the fact that almost everyone close to me was going through their own shit definitely added some base points to my mental misery index. Off late, I find it easier to help others first than to help myself, because I don’t feel like I am in complete control of myself..and that’s tough to delineate. But after a point, I know I have to get back to focusing on myself, sorting out the mess that I orchestrated or (very well) deserved to be on the receiving end of. I have had to deal with a range of emotions, which have been extremely shattering and consuming. Regardless, I have come to understand myself really well in this timeframe, and I feel that this level of self-awareness is counterproductive sometimes..and I just have to deal with it. I do spend a lot of time self-reflecting and figuring out ways to improve myself..be better, only to eventually convince myself that I am, indeed, a nice human being. For me, feeling that is very important in order to carry on..and I hope I don’t have to convince myself.

I have tried to constantly assess the blocking points in my head and have reasoned with some concurrent senselessness, which never seems to depart. This noise not only disrupted my peace of mind but also disturbed the sleep, which was quite exasperating. Trying to sort this out was a challenge, especially since I had started a new job and moved to a new country. It sucks when you can’t focus or feel motivated to work, but I gave myself the time to constantly evaluate my mental space and understand how I could come out of this sombre zone. Otherwise, I have tried to settle in and set a routine life here at Luxembourg, giving more time to things that make me feel better and motivated (mostly sports). I do feel like I’m getting there mentally, but I need to be more patient and strong. At the end of the day, I know that only I can change things that are under my control and I hope that I stop giving fucks about things beyond my control. I hope my headspace gets better and that, I can..actually..be happy. I know that anyone else in my position (at the surface level at least) would be quite ecstatic with where I am, but it’s difficult for me to be happy without inner peace, so I hope I get there soon.

Anyway, enough of “Bojack” vibes for now..I hope I can start writing more again, because I don’t want the creativity to only stem out of bad phases. I took a break to work on myself, and I feel that a good phase lies ahead..so I will try my best to make the most out of it. Regardless of everything, it is important to know that I am always extremely grateful for the life I have, the family that enabled this life and the people (you know who you are) that make this life worth living. So, I have to keep striving to attain this peace of mind that is in pursuit, and make everyone’s life better at the same too.

Will I be able to achieve this feat? Will I be able to write anything meaningful again? On va voir.

Till then, I have some album suggestions from 2022 for you to experience and vibe on:
Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers by Kendrick Lamar.
Dawn FM by The Weeknd.
A Light for Attracting Attention by The Smile.
Paradise Again by Swedish House Mafia.
Shape & Form by Two Feet.
Underrated by Ollie.
Twelve Carat Toothache by Post Malone.
Unlimited Love by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Melt My Eyez See Your Future by Denzel Curry.
Fever Dream by Cannons.
AM Gold by Train.
INSIDE (Deluxe) by Bo Burnham.
Rainless City by Channel Candice.
From a Birds Eye View by Cordae.
I Blame The World by Sasha Alex Sloan.
Based On A Feeling by Sabrina Claudio.
Caprisongs by FKA twigs.
I NEVER LIKED YOU by Future.
Come Home The Kids Miss You by Jack Harlow.
EXPLOSIONS by Three Days Grace.
Ramona Park Broke My Heart by Vince Staples.
Ego Trip by Papa Roach.
MORE D4TA by Moderat.
Dropout Boogie by The Black Keys.
Harry’s House by Harry Styles.
The Way That Lovers Do by Prateek Kuhad.

Also, the Sadnecessary (Acoustic) album by Milky Chance and Apoptosis by Inner Wave are worth a listen.

Sacred

Oh captain, my captain, you are a role model for me,
Because growing up to become a gem like you is all that I’ve aspired to be.
A smart, handsome man who is deeply adored for brightening up every room he enters,
And is deeply revered and admired by every crew member he mentors.
I feel blessed to have inherited your charm and invaluable qualities,
Or else I would’ve been dull and one of them oddities.

You were a simple village boy who faced adversities at a tender age,
You used it as motivation to stand on your own feet and turn the page.
The path you chose to make ends meet must’ve seemed thrilling at first,
Sailing across nations on a ship, till your family became the water you wished for to quench your thirst.
We deeply admire the sacrifices you’ve made to give us a trouble-free life,
No wonder you’ve been rewarded with such responsible kids and an amazingly understanding wife.

Your presence at home always makes us feel elated,
Whenever you’re away at sea, we all feel so incomplete and jaded.
I know you would’ve preferred to be there for us more during our childhood,
But you’ve been a great dad regardless, you’ve done the most you could.
I reminisce those evenings spent with you playing sudoku, jumble and solving crosswords using your super old dictionary,
I’ll always be grateful to you for sharpening my mind and expanding my vocabulary.

I consider myself fortunate to have you in my life and be your son,
The little time we’ve spent together over the years have been nothing short of fun,
Having a few drinks, exchanging stories, listening to old music and talking about life,
It’s been a privilege to be able to share these moments with you and get some life-changing advice.
I cherish the bond and relationship that we have developed over time,
Knowing that you have unwavering faith in me always makes me feel like there’s no mountain high enough for me to climb.

You’ve been more in touch with your emotions since becoming a senior citizen,
Longing to spend more time with all of us than being in the Captain’s den.
I know you’ve worked hard for far too long and should soon retire,
So that you can relax, spend more time with mum and do whatever you desire.
And..since you might begin to forget things and your memory might get faded,
I want to remind you that it’s you that completes us and makes our family so sacred.

The Sole Conqueror of All Miseries

Our parents were blessed in mid-January of 1993,
Giving birth to a cute Indian kid who looked more like a firangi.
Little did they know you’d grow up to become the family treasure,
And the brother that they’d give you 3 years later would love you more than any scale could measure.

You were always the quiet, reserved, diligently intelligent kid,
Realised it early that a small circle held more value than having many friends did,
I’m grateful to you for exposing me to a multitude of stuff,
Sports, music, shows, video games..you influenced my life more than anything else could’ve.

It’s funny how we were polar opposites when equated,
To the extent where nobody really thought we were even related,
I guess the way we fought with each other publicly was the only proof,
Besides the fact that we managed to live under the same roof.
I’m glad that we eventually managed to create a bond so dear,
And I know for a fact that we’ll always maintain it irrespective of whether we’re far or near.

Even though I’m the younger one, I’ve seen you grow too over the years,
Fighting everything on your own and holding back the tears,
No wonder you’re so strong, courageous and brave in our eyes,
The way you’ve proved everyone wrong with your resilience fills me with pride.

You don’t know how good it feels to see you happy and settled in Canada now,
Figuring and sorting out personal and professional life, making others wonder how,
As a result, we haven’t met often…I know we’ve been used to living apart for a while,
But I hope we meet soon, because not being able to be around you for so long makes me feel vile.

From Ekant to Rahul, I’ve seen the transition and evolution,
I believe that your experiences have led you to be your best version.
You’ve had to overcome a lot of hurdles along the way,
Weathered the storms of life to see the sunny parts of each day,
I feel so fortunately blessed to have you as my elder brother,
And even if I don’t say that enough, just know that I’ll be there for you forever.

Unapologetic

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed or thought me to be,
I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me.
I’m sorry I let my past dictate my behavior around you and create several blocks for us,
I’m sorry I was a mess initially, and you had to deal with all the confusion and fuss.
I’m sorry I said and did things as per my convenience,
I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of all my malfeasance.
I’m sorry that you felt that everything was about me, although I tried my best to always be there for you,
I’m sorry that my words were misinterpreted even when all I wanted was to get through to you.
I’m sorry I could never really open up and truly be myself around you,
I’m sorry I always felt that I was too impure for my angelic boo.
I’m sorry I went to great lengths to prove a point to you,
I’m sorry I never realised that my stubborn, ignorant ways had adverse impacts on you.

I’m sorry for making you believe I was an angel though my actions were that of a toxic devil,
I’m sorry that every good thing I did was forgotten because my actions put you in a state of peril.
I’m sorry that I broke your trust and eventually..your heart,
I’m sorry that my plans and behavior always pushed us and kept us apart.
I’m sorry that I never asked what you wanted when things went wrong,
I’m sorry that my realisations and gut feelings were not in your favour..and too strong.
I’m sorry that you feel like you should’ve disconnected from me before,
I’m sorry that after all we went through, bitterness was the only thing left in your core.
I’m sorry that all good things come to an end, but I hope you think this was a good thing,
I’m sorry this is the way it has to be and you can’t be my queen and I can’t be your king,
I’m sorry that everything that reminds you of me will now start to sting,
But I know time will heal everything, and your future has brighter things and better times incoming.

I hope you know that I’m genuinely sorry for many more things than those mentioned above,
And I also hope that someday you can forgive this person that didn’t deserve your love.

The Goddess of Triumph

To say that I’m grateful for your existence would be an understatement,
Just like saying that I troubled you only when I was in your stomach would be a misstatement.

I am aware that it was not easy, the life that you chose,
Falling in love young, sacrificing everything, only to have no one close.
You thought you had your siblings to fall back and rely on,
But they showed their true colours; they were full of poison.
You were so brave and courageous in that agonising environment,
Despite losing so much, having us made you feel triumphant.

You have always been an amazing woman and a devoted mother,
So over-protective of your children, even though they’ve grown much older.
I’ve seen you do it all for us over the years, without a complaint or a stutter,
From stayin’ up late nights to chat about real stuff, to wakin’ up at 5 a.m. for me to prepare supper.
I appreciate everything that you’ve done for us, in an effort to be your best,
I feel it’s about time for you to live life for yourself, enjoy and leave out all the rest.

Our relationship has been through crests and troughs,
You have had to tolerate my recklessness, mistakes and bluffs,
We spent a few years during my teenage without seeing eye-to-eye,
Only to realise over time that we only had each other on whom we could rely.
Developing that friendly, understanding bond made a massive difference,
I’m glad we’ve both parented each other well enough to never jump the fence.

I really hope you know that you’ll always be a Goddess to me,
Not coz your presence lights up my world, but coz I’m amazed by your ingenuity,
Your kind heart and beautiful smile masks all the pain you’ve ever felt,
You’ve tried to make the most for us, with all the cards you’ve been dealt.
Your selfless nature and unfaltering belief in us is something I really admire,
To see you eternally happy and at peace, is something I truly and deeply desire.

To say that you are the best mother one could ever ask for is an understatement,
Just like saying that I won’t try my best to look after you when you grow old is a misstatement.

How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.