Tag Archives: Demons

Winding Down | Unbinding

To commemorate the end of the year of the snake, my soul felt called to reflect on my journey, my progression, my setbacks, my achievements, my pitfalls and my learnings and whatnot…not just in the past year but in the past 9 years (2017-2025), given that from a numerology perspective 2026 is the beginning of a new cycle.

I guess it is an exercise of honestly seeing who/how/what I have been, done or not done – and what I have realised from my own thoughts, emotions, behaviours, actions and experiences. I know that I have not been the best person, I know I have not done the best things, I know that I have not lived up to my promises, I know that I have hated myself for years – but now that I have developed a reasonably healthy relationship with myself, I am finally able and willing to acknowledge, accept and let go of the past versions and past incidents. I see the value in them, I know I do not want to view previous versions of myself from a place of hate or disdain, given they have played a role in ensuring I survive this long, and have shaped the person I am becoming now. So, this specific exercise feels liberating – especially the knowing that my past no longer holds power over me and can no longer hover over my consciousness. Everything that comes my way going forward, will be approached as if everything negative lingering from the last 9 years was absolved and reset, but the memories remain intact, remembered fondly and the lessons embraced and learnt.

It would be an understatement to say a lot has happened in the past 9 years. I have lived inauthentically (not being true to myself and therefore to others), I have chased perfection (and often been disappointed), I have been depressed (and established a comfort zone in it), I have been a toxic people-pleaser (and bred a lot of resentment and anger from it), I have caused pain to others (by trying to be the good guy, and eventually hurting them more). I have ignored and neglected parts of myself, I have not listened to my intuition, I have abandoned myself and my needs by focusing on others. I have tried to portray my ideal self to impress others (and to inflate my ego), I have tried to prove myself to others and seek external validation (as my inner critic made me hate myself), I have done things for not necessarily the right reasons (I haven’t been true and intentional in my ways). I have been ghosted (in my first relationship), a cheat (in my second and longest relationship), a fool (in my third relationship) and an immature coward (in my last & most meaningful relationship). I have lost people close to me, I have lost myself multiple times, I have felt numb, I have let people down, I have been fearful, ashamed, rigidly stubborn, unreliable, hypocritical, pessimistic, judgmental, selfish..I have been an anxious wreck, to be honest. I have put on facades and masks to conceal shit from others, I have tried living in accordance with societal norms, I have tried to fake it till I make it but..

NOT ANYMORE. I AM FINALLY DONE.

I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shit too, but this is not about feeling like a victim. I know those adversities were bringing things to my attention and awareness, and I was not wise enough to see and learn from them. This is about taking accountability and responsibility for the previous versions of me, that have informed and formed the current version of me, and also the fact that I can not only see and acknowledge it in hindsight..but I can also understand the intricate gears of my psyche that created these experiences and realities. Understanding is not enough, but working on sorting out myself and releasing myself from the shackles of these toxic, unreal, harmful patterns has been overwhelming, emotionally and mentally.

NOW, I FEEL FREE – I have experienced a few ego deaths, a few burials of my past selves and have eventually risen from the ashes like the Phoenix – renewed, rebirthed, radiant and resilient. I see myself truly now, and there is nothing more peaceful than finally living from a place of honesty and authenticity.

Introspection

Self-assessment through a reflective gaze seems to be a daunting quest,
For to unfold the deepest of realms, in the corridors of memories one must invest,
Acknowledging progress and reliving achievements might feel wondrous to ingest,
While reminiscing failures and identifying defects might be hard to digest.

I have frequently succumbed to the chaotic cataclysm of the last 2 years,
It has been ground-breaking and perception shattering..facing and battling my fears,
It has been emotionally exhausting and mentally daunting..embracing the pain and wiping my tears,
It has been gruelling yet elevating, unlearning everything I was fed by society and discovering myself for real,
It has been exasperating yet forbearing, healing from the wounds of mental and physical ordeals,
It has been burdensome yet empowering, working towards turning my jeers into cheers,
Yet I have questioned everything I did, thought and felt seeking self-consciousness,
For in knowing oneself truly and completely is essential to attain internal consonance.

So my question to you is..do you ever sit down and look back on the year that’s passed by?
Do you reflect on your journey or are you a passer-by in your own life?
Do you see the things holding you back and figure out how to change things, or do you not even try?
Do you remain in a vicious cycle of sitting around whining and complaining, or do you envision battling the strife?
If not, then it’s time to start – just sit down and pick your brain apart,
Self-discovery will give more than money, fame and success can ever impart,
For wisdom and fulfillment comes not with age, but from looking within and learning from life until you depart.


Always Victorious

Most of the times, we never know how or when a great friendship starts,
Especially coz of this vast world, and our milky chance to ever cross paths,
In Thion-fucking-ville, as interns destined together to face the aftermaths,
Sharing that ludicrous apartment, while despondency tried to tear us apart.

I’m aware it took a while for us to get along – my sincere apologies for that,
While you invited me to socialise with you, I preferred being a lonesome lad,
Glad I eventually snapped out of it..for it barely took time to become your comrade,
Cooking, chilling and jamming together every night after work became a ritual so ironclad!

I feel we connected deeper when we worked together on your masters project,
I saw the visionary and creative side of you; I was more enthralled than I could expect,
T’was probably the inception of becoming potential business partners, your morals and convictions incited immense respect,
I really hope you achieve and actualise your foresight, for the world needs and would benefit from your ingenious doppler effect.

Travelling and volunteering with you in Portugal and Austria was an abundance of enrichment,
It not only widened our horizons, but also gave our bonding a sense of fulfillment,
It was the first time I let my responsible guard down and went with the flow of our displacement,
Annoyingly messy at first, but it turned out to be more fun and wholesome than imaginable – and that’s an understatement!

Seeing the progression from friendship to brotherhood has been nothing short of mesmerizing,
From high Rick & Morty, dark humour sessions and FIFA marathons to illegal underground parties in Paris and lagging jubilations in Amsterdayum..shit has has been galvanizingly tantalizing,
Surfing through stormy weather with you taught me a lot about philosophy, psychology and companionship,
A lot of life experienced and lessons learnt together in a short span of time

I want you to know that you’re on my mind even when we don’t speak,
It’s impossible to forget the one who was by my side when I felt so weak,
Immense love and gratitude for adding more value to my journey and my life than I could seek,
Our connection and understanding goes beyond what we can conceive, and it shall always remain unique.

You think you’re an asshole, but in fact a great person with great soul,
Your dedication and wit sets you apart, your existence plays a pivotal role,
The way you bounce back when you feel defeated and your constant efforts to be better than yesterday is inspirationally meritorious,
Everything you have been, are and will eventually become… in my eyes, be always victorious.

Abstraction: Volume 1

I know it’s been a while since the last post, I was taking some time off. I’ve been working on some poems..they mostly hover around concepts that I have spent time pondering over. The aim is to keep it short, concise and raise awareness or get you to think too. This is part 1 of my anthology series, with poems covering 3 topics..

GUILT

My psychotherapist friend told me that this is not something that is FELT but instead is THOUGHT,
It would be needless to say I pondered over this perception a lot.
Only if you have a conscience, you will struggle with this mentally,
Maybe you hurt someone or did them wrong, probably unintentionally,
It eats you up inside, so you seek closure externally.
Instead of reopening wounds that are healing..leave them be,
What’s done is done, taking corrective measures and becoming a better human shall set you free.

FAWN RESPONSE

When you are too nice to others and try to avoid conflict,
When people pleasing becomes a tool while standing up for yourself takes a hit,
When you can’t say “No” and struggle with expressing your true thoughts and emotions,
Your past trauma conditions you to forfeit your needs, rights and boundaries to feel acceptable,
To feel safe from pain, judgement and rejection – is this even real ?
Awareness isn’t enough, you need to do much more to heal:
Realize this is a response from your nervous system to appease a threat,
When you are in the moment, take a step back and question,
Find answers for what would make you feel strong in a loving way, in such a situation – hold your ground and stay true to yourself as restitution.

KARMA

Everyone everywhere always seems to call you a bitch,
To me, your existence gives lessons that make life rich.
Our actions feel inconsequential at first, coz our arrogance takes you for granted, 
But later when something goes wrong, we start to wonder why we feel so haunted,
Your teachings not only make one wiser but also makes one grounded,
If you learn nothing from this metaphorical boomerang, you’ll forever be dumbfounded.
It’s true what they say: what goes around must always come back around,
So be good & do your best, and see how this mystical energy keeps you safe and sound.

How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.