Tag Archives: Depression

Winding Down | Unbinding

To commemorate the end of the year of the snake, my soul felt called to reflect on my journey, my progression, my setbacks, my achievements, my pitfalls and my learnings and whatnot…not just in the past year but in the past 9 years (2017-2025), given that from a numerology perspective 2026 is the beginning of a new cycle.

I guess it is an exercise of honestly seeing who/how/what I have been, done or not done – and what I have realised from my own thoughts, emotions, behaviours, actions and experiences. I know that I have not been the best person, I know I have not done the best things, I know that I have not lived up to my promises, I know that I have hated myself for years – but now that I have developed a reasonably healthy relationship with myself, I am finally able and willing to acknowledge, accept and let go of the past versions and past incidents. I see the value in them, I know I do not want to view previous versions of myself from a place of hate or disdain, given they have played a role in ensuring I survive this long, and have shaped the person I am becoming now. So, this specific exercise feels liberating – especially the knowing that my past no longer holds power over me and can no longer hover over my consciousness. Everything that comes my way going forward, will be approached as if everything negative lingering from the last 9 years was absolved and reset, but the memories remain intact, remembered fondly and the lessons embraced and learnt.

It would be an understatement to say a lot has happened in the past 9 years. I have lived inauthentically (not being true to myself and therefore to others), I have chased perfection (and often been disappointed), I have been depressed (and established a comfort zone in it), I have been a toxic people-pleaser (and bred a lot of resentment and anger from it), I have caused pain to others (by trying to be the good guy, and eventually hurting them more). I have ignored and neglected parts of myself, I have not listened to my intuition, I have abandoned myself and my needs by focusing on others. I have tried to portray my ideal self to impress others (and to inflate my ego), I have tried to prove myself to others and seek external validation (as my inner critic made me hate myself), I have done things for not necessarily the right reasons (I haven’t been true and intentional in my ways). I have been ghosted (in my first relationship), a cheat (in my second and longest relationship), a fool (in my third relationship) and an immature coward (in my last & most meaningful relationship). I have lost people close to me, I have lost myself multiple times, I have felt numb, I have let people down, I have been fearful, ashamed, rigidly stubborn, unreliable, hypocritical, pessimistic, judgmental, selfish..I have been an anxious wreck, to be honest. I have put on facades and masks to conceal shit from others, I have tried living in accordance with societal norms, I have tried to fake it till I make it but..

NOT ANYMORE. I AM FINALLY DONE.

I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shit too, but this is not about feeling like a victim. I know those adversities were bringing things to my attention and awareness, and I was not wise enough to see and learn from them. This is about taking accountability and responsibility for the previous versions of me, that have informed and formed the current version of me, and also the fact that I can not only see and acknowledge it in hindsight..but I can also understand the intricate gears of my psyche that created these experiences and realities. Understanding is not enough, but working on sorting out myself and releasing myself from the shackles of these toxic, unreal, harmful patterns has been overwhelming, emotionally and mentally.

NOW, I FEEL FREE – I have experienced a few ego deaths, a few burials of my past selves and have eventually risen from the ashes like the Phoenix – renewed, rebirthed, radiant and resilient. I see myself truly now, and there is nothing more peaceful than finally living from a place of honesty and authenticity.

QUATRAINS

Just a challenging experiment I carried out, to see if I could write 4-line poems, cover the desired concepts, thoughts and emotions while also managing to share my learnings, my experiences and a message.

Follow the 3Rs – Read, reflect and recognize and the 3As – Absorb, analyze and actualize..to make the most from this.

MINDGAME?

Do you also find your mind burdened with trivial, superfluous absurdities?
Do you also question why we torment ourselves and create illusionary adversities?
Dig deep to segregate the noise from stuff actually seated in reality,
Realise it’s the ego playing games with us, scared of losing its power & identity..

EXPECTATIONS

Everyone knows that the worst thing about expecting is the inevitable disappointment,
No one discerns that the unrealism coated in most expectations is extremely poignant,
Question your desires, understand what’s practical instead of concocting unncessary resentment,
Share and discuss it with loved ones to build and maintain a harmonious relationship through alignment.

GRATITUDE

We live in a world where most of us succumb to our insatiable greed or irrevocable self-absorption,
We blind ourselves and fail to realise the privileged life we’ve led through the luxury of option,
We must start appreciating everything that we have, and be grateful for experiencing life everyday,
This virtue fuels the soul, makes the mind optimistic and changes life in spectacular ways.

DO THE WORK

Wounds and their inception are to be identified, studied and acknowledged,
Open yourself up to feel, process every thought and emotion that has kept you demolished,
Remind yourself that nothing holds power over you, that you can change and wounds can heal,
Know that re-inventing yourself and overcoming hurdles will remain a constant yet enlightening ordeal.

CONCEDE

Have you experienced moments or days of sheer, disintegrating defeat?
When you’ve done and given your best consistently but it still ain’t enough to secure the outcome you seek,
Even the strongest or most resilient of us succumb to this downward spiral of frustrating exhaustion,
The helpless powerlessness engulfs you, and all that remains is the despondent emptiness of misfortune.

SWITCH THE NARRATIVE

If you notice that you’ve tried everything but you seem to end up being a victim of every calamity,
It’s probably the story you have been telling yourself all your life that has reflected in your reality,
Extract the lessons the suffering presents, discover your true self and integrate it into your personality,
Beware of the psychological warfare the ego wages against the “conscious” you, for the triumph will revolutionize your morality.

Always Victorious

Most of the times, we never know how or when a great friendship starts,
Especially coz of this vast world, and our milky chance to ever cross paths,
In Thion-fucking-ville, as interns destined together to face the aftermaths,
Sharing that ludicrous apartment, while despondency tried to tear us apart.

I’m aware it took a while for us to get along – my sincere apologies for that,
While you invited me to socialise with you, I preferred being a lonesome lad,
Glad I eventually snapped out of it..for it barely took time to become your comrade,
Cooking, chilling and jamming together every night after work became a ritual so ironclad!

I feel we connected deeper when we worked together on your masters project,
I saw the visionary and creative side of you; I was more enthralled than I could expect,
T’was probably the inception of becoming potential business partners, your morals and convictions incited immense respect,
I really hope you achieve and actualise your foresight, for the world needs and would benefit from your ingenious doppler effect.

Travelling and volunteering with you in Portugal and Austria was an abundance of enrichment,
It not only widened our horizons, but also gave our bonding a sense of fulfillment,
It was the first time I let my responsible guard down and went with the flow of our displacement,
Annoyingly messy at first, but it turned out to be more fun and wholesome than imaginable – and that’s an understatement!

Seeing the progression from friendship to brotherhood has been nothing short of mesmerizing,
From high Rick & Morty, dark humour sessions and FIFA marathons to illegal underground parties in Paris and lagging jubilations in Amsterdayum..shit has has been galvanizingly tantalizing,
Surfing through stormy weather with you taught me a lot about philosophy, psychology and companionship,
A lot of life experienced and lessons learnt together in a short span of time

I want you to know that you’re on my mind even when we don’t speak,
It’s impossible to forget the one who was by my side when I felt so weak,
Immense love and gratitude for adding more value to my journey and my life than I could seek,
Our connection and understanding goes beyond what we can conceive, and it shall always remain unique.

You think you’re an asshole, but in fact a great person with great soul,
Your dedication and wit sets you apart, your existence plays a pivotal role,
The way you bounce back when you feel defeated and your constant efforts to be better than yesterday is inspirationally meritorious,
Everything you have been, are and will eventually become… in my eyes, be always victorious.

Just Another Day

Have you ever slept 8 hours, but woke up feeling like shit?
So numb and disconnected, that you wanted to take a hit?
Go into work contemplating over actually wanting to quit?
Be part of the “corporate” culture, where you clearly do not fit?
Realising everything you’re “supposed” to do are things you want to omit.

You go sit in front of the screen, earphones on, coping through music,
Nothing really feels good, but the sounds are therapeutic,
The lyrical, mellifluous medicine, curbs you from feeling sick,
You close your eyes, take deep breaths, prepare yourself for the public,
Aiming to deceive ’em, pretending everything’s alright, ain’t that tragic?

Time passes by slowly, you eventually tune into your zone,
In a workplace environment, but you can’t maintain a professional tone,
Resort to joking and entertaining others, so I don’t have to be on my own,
Try to focus and get stuff done, productivity has to be shown,
When it’s time to leave, you realise your to-do-list has only grown.

Muddling through the cold and the late bus, you’re back to where you live,
Too much sucked out of you, you have too little left to give,
Muster up the energy to cook and eat in order to survive,
Gobble up the vitamin and meds that help your body revive,
Brace yourself for tomorrow, but the much-needed vigor you cannot derive.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, you lay down in bed,
Hoping to just doze off and not deal with what’s going on in your head,
The limtless intrusive thoughts, you’re barely hanging by a thread,
So weary and alone, you choke up with tears you’re unable to shed,
A vicious, repetitive cycle of everyday life you’ve started to dread.

To put your mind to bed, you try and meditate,
Feel gratitude for life, hoping optimism can elevate,
Wishing you feel better somehow, and that it’s not too late,
Yearning to be at peace and knocking on contentment’s gate,
Until you finally fall asleep, these thoughts reverberate.

Written on 2nd February, 2023 at 11pm CET






How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.