Tag Archives: Feelings

Chronic Blamers

There is a special breed of people that you might meet,
Where nothing will seem wrong at the initial peek,
But if you spend enough time for them to reveal,
You’ll realise they are diagnosed with an irksome disease.

This vexing malady feeds off of their insecurity,
Pointing fingers at others..avoid taking responsibility,
No matter how miniscule the issue might be,
They ensure that you feel sorry and they are guilt-free,
They manage to shift the fault and shame with such disdain,
Playing the “innocent” victim is their favourite game.

The issue never seems to be with them but always the other,
This stubbornness turns into a toxic mental smother,
Surprising how quick they are to deny, cover up and sigh,
Without realising how this pathogen ruins them on the inside,
Their minds always in a haze, thoughts clouded by their constant phase,
It is baffling how they live in denial with such grace.

If you read this and it pinches you,
You’re one of ’em, you need to change your blinded view,
Or if someone has previously called you out,
You need to come to terms with it and start to doubt,
Take a step back, self-reflect and realise when the fault is your own,
Only then the seed of convalescence within you can be sown.

People will appreciate it if you own up to your mistake,
And try to rectify them instead of looking for an escape,
For we are all beings who need to be kind and understand,
That you are trapped in a cycle and need a helping hand.
Always remember that it’s not always about who is right,
More about learning and growing together in hindsight.

Take responsibility for the role you play in your own misery,
Your psyche, it’s a prison, can’t you see?
Chronic Blamers, I hope you hear my plea,
I know you can change your ways and break free.

Interlude

Meaning: An interlude is an instrumental passage that connects different parts of the song. Interludes generally do not have a fixed length and some artists may even use interludes to transition from one song to another in an album.

I know it’s been a while [(69+23) days] since I last posted, so this is the “passage” to fill you in on that gap. It’s been an arduous last few months (to say the least), as I tried to finally deal with the plethora of thoughts and emotions constantly rupturing my mind. It’s not been easy at all, if I’m being completely honest..but nothing is ever easy for me. People see me as this easygoing, gregarious being, but they wouldn’t be able to comprehend how challenging it is for this soul. The way I am, the dynamics of my cerebrum, the depth of my emotions..is all just too much for me to decompose sometimes.

I usually detach myself from my thoughts and emotions, and focus on others so that I don’t have to deal with myself. But the fact that almost everyone close to me was going through their own shit definitely added some base points to my mental misery index. Off late, I find it easier to help others first than to help myself, because I don’t feel like I am in complete control of myself..and that’s tough to delineate. But after a point, I know I have to get back to focusing on myself, sorting out the mess that I orchestrated or (very well) deserved to be on the receiving end of. I have had to deal with a range of emotions, which have been extremely shattering and consuming. Regardless, I have come to understand myself really well in this timeframe, and I feel that this level of self-awareness is counterproductive sometimes..and I just have to deal with it. I do spend a lot of time self-reflecting and figuring out ways to improve myself..be better, only to eventually convince myself that I am, indeed, a nice human being. For me, feeling that is very important in order to carry on..and I hope I don’t have to convince myself.

I have tried to constantly assess the blocking points in my head and have reasoned with some concurrent senselessness, which never seems to depart. This noise not only disrupted my peace of mind but also disturbed the sleep, which was quite exasperating. Trying to sort this out was a challenge, especially since I had started a new job and moved to a new country. It sucks when you can’t focus or feel motivated to work, but I gave myself the time to constantly evaluate my mental space and understand how I could come out of this sombre zone. Otherwise, I have tried to settle in and set a routine life here at Luxembourg, giving more time to things that make me feel better and motivated (mostly sports). I do feel like I’m getting there mentally, but I need to be more patient and strong. At the end of the day, I know that only I can change things that are under my control and I hope that I stop giving fucks about things beyond my control. I hope my headspace gets better and that, I can..actually..be happy. I know that anyone else in my position (at the surface level at least) would be quite ecstatic with where I am, but it’s difficult for me to be happy without inner peace, so I hope I get there soon.

Anyway, enough of “Bojack” vibes for now..I hope I can start writing more again, because I don’t want the creativity to only stem out of bad phases. I took a break to work on myself, and I feel that a good phase lies ahead..so I will try my best to make the most out of it. Regardless of everything, it is important to know that I am always extremely grateful for the life I have, the family that enabled this life and the people (you know who you are) that make this life worth living. So, I have to keep striving to attain this peace of mind that is in pursuit, and make everyone’s life better at the same too.

Will I be able to achieve this feat? Will I be able to write anything meaningful again? On va voir.

Till then, I have some album suggestions from 2022 for you to experience and vibe on:
Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers by Kendrick Lamar.
Dawn FM by The Weeknd.
A Light for Attracting Attention by The Smile.
Paradise Again by Swedish House Mafia.
Shape & Form by Two Feet.
Underrated by Ollie.
Twelve Carat Toothache by Post Malone.
Unlimited Love by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Melt My Eyez See Your Future by Denzel Curry.
Fever Dream by Cannons.
AM Gold by Train.
INSIDE (Deluxe) by Bo Burnham.
Rainless City by Channel Candice.
From a Birds Eye View by Cordae.
I Blame The World by Sasha Alex Sloan.
Based On A Feeling by Sabrina Claudio.
Caprisongs by FKA twigs.
I NEVER LIKED YOU by Future.
Come Home The Kids Miss You by Jack Harlow.
EXPLOSIONS by Three Days Grace.
Ramona Park Broke My Heart by Vince Staples.
Ego Trip by Papa Roach.
MORE D4TA by Moderat.
Dropout Boogie by The Black Keys.
Harry’s House by Harry Styles.
The Way That Lovers Do by Prateek Kuhad.

Also, the Sadnecessary (Acoustic) album by Milky Chance and Apoptosis by Inner Wave are worth a listen.

The Sole Conqueror of All Miseries

Our parents were blessed in mid-January of 1993,
Giving birth to a cute Indian kid who looked more like a firangi.
Little did they know you’d grow up to become the family treasure,
And the brother that they’d give you 3 years later would love you more than any scale could measure.

You were always the quiet, reserved, diligently intelligent kid,
Realised it early that a small circle held more value than having many friends did,
I’m grateful to you for exposing me to a multitude of stuff,
Sports, music, shows, video games..you influenced my life more than anything else could’ve.

It’s funny how we were polar opposites when equated,
To the extent where nobody really thought we were even related,
I guess the way we fought with each other publicly was the only proof,
Besides the fact that we managed to live under the same roof.
I’m glad that we eventually managed to create a bond so dear,
And I know for a fact that we’ll always maintain it irrespective of whether we’re far or near.

Even though I’m the younger one, I’ve seen you grow too over the years,
Fighting everything on your own and holding back the tears,
No wonder you’re so strong, courageous and brave in our eyes,
The way you’ve proved everyone wrong with your resilience fills me with pride.

You don’t know how good it feels to see you happy and settled in Canada now,
Figuring and sorting out personal and professional life, making others wonder how,
As a result, we haven’t met often…I know we’ve been used to living apart for a while,
But I hope we meet soon, because not being able to be around you for so long makes me feel vile.

From Ekant to Rahul, I’ve seen the transition and evolution,
I believe that your experiences have led you to be your best version.
You’ve had to overcome a lot of hurdles along the way,
Weathered the storms of life to see the sunny parts of each day,
I feel so fortunately blessed to have you as my elder brother,
And even if I don’t say that enough, just know that I’ll be there for you forever.

How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.