Tag Archives: Heartbreak

Winding Down | Unbinding

To commemorate the end of the year of the snake, my soul felt called to reflect on my journey, my progression, my setbacks, my achievements, my pitfalls and my learnings and whatnot…not just in the past year but in the past 9 years (2017-2025), given that from a numerology perspective 2026 is the beginning of a new cycle.

I guess it is an exercise of honestly seeing who/how/what I have been, done or not done – and what I have realised from my own thoughts, emotions, behaviours, actions and experiences. I know that I have not been the best person, I know I have not done the best things, I know that I have not lived up to my promises, I know that I have hated myself for years – but now that I have developed a reasonably healthy relationship with myself, I am finally able and willing to acknowledge, accept and let go of the past versions and past incidents. I see the value in them, I know I do not want to view previous versions of myself from a place of hate or disdain, given they have played a role in ensuring I survive this long, and have shaped the person I am becoming now. So, this specific exercise feels liberating – especially the knowing that my past no longer holds power over me and can no longer hover over my consciousness. Everything that comes my way going forward, will be approached as if everything negative lingering from the last 9 years was absolved and reset, but the memories remain intact, remembered fondly and the lessons embraced and learnt.

It would be an understatement to say a lot has happened in the past 9 years. I have lived inauthentically (not being true to myself and therefore to others), I have chased perfection (and often been disappointed), I have been depressed (and established a comfort zone in it), I have been a toxic people-pleaser (and bred a lot of resentment and anger from it), I have caused pain to others (by trying to be the good guy, and eventually hurting them more). I have ignored and neglected parts of myself, I have not listened to my intuition, I have abandoned myself and my needs by focusing on others. I have tried to portray my ideal self to impress others (and to inflate my ego), I have tried to prove myself to others and seek external validation (as my inner critic made me hate myself), I have done things for not necessarily the right reasons (I haven’t been true and intentional in my ways). I have been ghosted (in my first relationship), a cheat (in my second and longest relationship), a fool (in my third relationship) and an immature coward (in my last & most meaningful relationship). I have lost people close to me, I have lost myself multiple times, I have felt numb, I have let people down, I have been fearful, ashamed, rigidly stubborn, unreliable, hypocritical, pessimistic, judgmental, selfish..I have been an anxious wreck, to be honest. I have put on facades and masks to conceal shit from others, I have tried living in accordance with societal norms, I have tried to fake it till I make it but..

NOT ANYMORE. I AM FINALLY DONE.

I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shit too, but this is not about feeling like a victim. I know those adversities were bringing things to my attention and awareness, and I was not wise enough to see and learn from them. This is about taking accountability and responsibility for the previous versions of me, that have informed and formed the current version of me, and also the fact that I can not only see and acknowledge it in hindsight..but I can also understand the intricate gears of my psyche that created these experiences and realities. Understanding is not enough, but working on sorting out myself and releasing myself from the shackles of these toxic, unreal, harmful patterns has been overwhelming, emotionally and mentally.

NOW, I FEEL FREE – I have experienced a few ego deaths, a few burials of my past selves and have eventually risen from the ashes like the Phoenix – renewed, rebirthed, radiant and resilient. I see myself truly now, and there is nothing more peaceful than finally living from a place of honesty and authenticity.

Over The Limit..

I wouldn’t want to tell the world the story of how we found each other,
Coz words won’t ever do it justice, it’s grander than what a prose could cover,
The connection was immaculate, vibes unparalleled, minds in-sync like never,
We revelled with each other’s interests effortlessly, like 2 birds of the same feather,
You made me feel like you were the one for me and we could not only flock but also grow old together.
We were out of place, next to each other, spending more time ensemble than planned,
Exploring sides of ourselves we never thought existed, knowing no one else would understand,
It was all too good to be true, I guess, as I was forced to bow out & fold when you decided to play your hand.

I wouldn’t want the world to know why you gave up and ended things,
Your excuses were quite obscure yet fixable, and not really knowing stings.
Remember when you told me you felt you were falling down a sinkhole and were dragging me along?
I stood by you, ensured you weren’t alone, that you pulled through strong.
When the tables turned months later and I felt low, exhausted, in a rut,
Funny how you blamed me for letting one thing bring everything else down, and left me out with the doors shut.
I was told that I taught the caged-bird how to fly by spreading its wings,
Later from commitment, you flew, back into your cage, blaming me for things.
Expressing and communicating was the key you overlooked, locking me out, ignorant to my point of view,
Months later you changed colours, making me feel like I was smothering and suffocating you,
I am the emotionally-invested, affectionate partner, I thought you always knew.
You thought I was scared to be alone? Hon, I’m so inured to it, I’m terrified it’s my comfort zone,
I’ve always wanted someone to share it all with, can’t you see it’s not as fulfilling for me if I’m on my own?

You can’t imagine how excruciating the last few months have been for me, adding on to the emotional and mental fatigue of the last few years,
The last 2 times I met you, you crushed a part of my soul with your behaviour and I was drowning in tears,
But I got no choice, need to accept shit and move on, instead of letting my mind retain the lingering jeers,
A constant reminder that I can’t force or control things, but I got no regrets because I gave my all and still failed,
A humbling edification for me – putting efforts, working through things and not giving up aren’t values to ever compensate,
Life sucks with its shitty phases, and I felt lonesome, woeful and drained,
That’s when I needed you most to be there for me, while you yearned to be estranged,
This anger fuelled disappointment has me contaminated, but I no longer wish to be emotionally chained,
So although I’ve had less to look forward to, and more to lament, you’ll always be a part of me, that can never be changed.

It’s time to Final Lullaby this chapter, ease my mind and finally let go,
What I thought was a blessing turned into a lesson, from which I’ll grow,
So all I wanna do is be grateful to you for the limited experience,
T’was convivial being a part of your journey, irrespective of the harrowing consequence.
I’m beholden to you for showing me that I could be my vulnerable, raw self at all times and still be adored like a galaxy full of stars,
And I’m happy that I could illuminate you more in our time together than life had taught you so far,
I’ll look back on our eternal memories, cherish them, savouring the purported battle scar.
I hope you embraced our time together; the experience of a lifetime that went by quickly,
I hope you get over some things that I’ve said, because it’s better to speak your mind than to suppress the thoughts and let it eat you slowly,
Plus, actions speak louder than words, and all I ever did was to be there for you at all times and make you feel homely.
I hope you learn that building and maintaining relationships requires trust, communication, work and consistency,
I hope you gain conscious clarity and maturity, and are not influenced by others too easily,
I hope you figure out what you really want, overcome your fears and become the person you aspire to be,
I hope the way you’ve always been in everyone’s eyes doesn’t end up defining you, and that you reach the potential I see,
I hope you find someone to whom you can give your all, without ever thinking about me,
I’d never say or think that You’re The Worst, but know that you could’ve been the Gretchen to my Jimmy,
But now I release the broken promises across boundaries, focused on being a better me, wondering what deserving better looks like for me..

Unapologetic

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed or thought me to be,
I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me.
I’m sorry I let my past dictate my behavior around you and create several blocks for us,
I’m sorry I was a mess initially, and you had to deal with all the confusion and fuss.
I’m sorry I said and did things as per my convenience,
I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of all my malfeasance.
I’m sorry that you felt that everything was about me, although I tried my best to always be there for you,
I’m sorry that my words were misinterpreted even when all I wanted was to get through to you.
I’m sorry I could never really open up and truly be myself around you,
I’m sorry I always felt that I was too impure for my angelic boo.
I’m sorry I went to great lengths to prove a point to you,
I’m sorry I never realised that my stubborn, ignorant ways had adverse impacts on you.

I’m sorry for making you believe I was an angel though my actions were that of a toxic devil,
I’m sorry that every good thing I did was forgotten because my actions put you in a state of peril.
I’m sorry that I broke your trust and eventually..your heart,
I’m sorry that my plans and behavior always pushed us and kept us apart.
I’m sorry that I never asked what you wanted when things went wrong,
I’m sorry that my realisations and gut feelings were not in your favour..and too strong.
I’m sorry that you feel like you should’ve disconnected from me before,
I’m sorry that after all we went through, bitterness was the only thing left in your core.
I’m sorry that all good things come to an end, but I hope you think this was a good thing,
I’m sorry this is the way it has to be and you can’t be my queen and I can’t be your king,
I’m sorry that everything that reminds you of me will now start to sting,
But I know time will heal everything, and your future has brighter things and better times incoming.

I hope you know that I’m genuinely sorry for many more things than those mentioned above,
And I also hope that someday you can forgive this person that didn’t deserve your love.

How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.