Tag Archives: Hope

Abstraction: Volume II

This piece has taken much more time than anticipated, not because it was difficult to conceptualise them, but because my phone was stolen and the drafts were lost with it; so I had to re-write them or come up with new ideas or thoughts based on recent life experiences. Anyway, let it make you ponder, because the aim is to raise awareness about the self and concepts that one might be alien to.

FAUSTIAN BARGAIN

‘Tis a concept produced by German literature and folklore,
The tale follows a doctor named Faustus who decides to sell his soul,
To the devil, Mephisto, for magical powers and knowledge unattainable,
In order to gain access to and enjoy wordly pleasures insatiable.
Starking similarities in the way most humans sucuumb to the hedonistic lifestyle,
Numbing and blinding themselves to consciousness that makes life uneasy yet worthwhile,
Trading off their core values and beliefs for something superficial, momentary and indubitably futile,
What a waste of human life, to not feel or experience authentic life and be defiled by vices’ guile.

ETHICAL FADING

A fascinating, hypogeous and real social phenomenon plaguing society more than we can fathom,
Whether it be the capitalistic exploitation of consumers or a winning mentality propelling to a desirable stratum,
A narrow-minded effort creating pressure to self-serve or focus on the short-term objectives,
A slippery slope of justification, dehumanization and moral myopia concocting warped perspectives,
Combatting this demands awareneess, self-censorship and not yielding to moral disengagement,
Works towards harnessing a rich sense of accountability and tune into your conscience to gradually master this self-deceptive assuagement.

BUBBLE

For some it’s a narrowed perspective, for some it’s living in illusion, for some it’s alienating from society,
For others it’s a self-protection tool to avoid feeling any sort of discomfort and uncertainty,
Cognitive biases play pivotal roles for most in dismissing anything that challenges existing beliefs and threatens their sense of security,
Fear of being ostracized or being a misfit manipulates some to protect their ascertained sense of identity.
A complexly constructed psychosis that limits thinking, understanding and collaborating with humanity,
The only hope is that one can withstand and subjugate the inevitable rupture of the subdued self-induced vanity.

LET DOWN

The unmatched feeling of disillusionment that engulfs you when your hopes don’t materialize,
The Radiohead soundtrack plays internally while disappointment trickles down your eye,
Sinking deep in the abyss of dejection because your lack of self-worth proceeds to amplify,
The need for validation goes unmet, breeding resentment and making you agonize,
Cognitive dissonance destablizes you as expectations and reality are so unalike it’s a surprise,
Allow yourself to grieve, release the vice grip on false hopes if you want dismay to minimize,
Work on setting boundaries or practice radical acceptance and see your perspective revolutionize.

ALIGNMENT

I’m starting to get a hang of what growth looks like for me:
Not being tricked or controlled by the dystopia of my mental dichotomy,
Not sucuumbing to my former self-depleting people-pleasing modality,
Not having to conform to conventional norms, beliefs or expectations of society,
Not feeling constrained or restricted by my own or others’ insecurity,
Overcoming all my misinterpretations stemming from projections and anxiety,
Embracing the impermanence of life and being unfazed by uncertanity,
Exercising open-mindedness, not sacrificing my own needs; striving for authenticity,
Expressing my true thoughts and emotions and practicing vulnerability,
Being more conscious with my words, living up to them and fostering an environment of honesty,
Learning and becoming a better me each day; recalibrating my mindset to step up to any adversity,
Knowing that I’m evolving and progressing, to practice self-love and cherish solitary tranquility,
Focusing on the now, going with the flow – enjoying life’s harmonious serenditpity,
Surrounding myself with ones who really care and lighten up my world with imbecility,
Having the best intentions at heart and doing my best to add value to those in proximity.

QUATRAINS

Just a challenging experiment I carried out, to see if I could write 4-line poems, cover the desired concepts, thoughts and emotions while also managing to share my learnings, my experiences and a message.

Follow the 3Rs – Read, reflect and recognize and the 3As – Absorb, analyze and actualize..to make the most from this.

MINDGAME?

Do you also find your mind burdened with trivial, superfluous absurdities?
Do you also question why we torment ourselves and create illusionary adversities?
Dig deep to segregate the noise from stuff actually seated in reality,
Realise it’s the ego playing games with us, scared of losing its power & identity..

EXPECTATIONS

Everyone knows that the worst thing about expecting is the inevitable disappointment,
No one discerns that the unrealism coated in most expectations is extremely poignant,
Question your desires, understand what’s practical instead of concocting unncessary resentment,
Share and discuss it with loved ones to build and maintain a harmonious relationship through alignment.

GRATITUDE

We live in a world where most of us succumb to our insatiable greed or irrevocable self-absorption,
We blind ourselves and fail to realise the privileged life we’ve led through the luxury of option,
We must start appreciating everything that we have, and be grateful for experiencing life everyday,
This virtue fuels the soul, makes the mind optimistic and changes life in spectacular ways.

DO THE WORK

Wounds and their inception are to be identified, studied and acknowledged,
Open yourself up to feel, process every thought and emotion that has kept you demolished,
Remind yourself that nothing holds power over you, that you can change and wounds can heal,
Know that re-inventing yourself and overcoming hurdles will remain a constant yet enlightening ordeal.

CONCEDE

Have you experienced moments or days of sheer, disintegrating defeat?
When you’ve done and given your best consistently but it still ain’t enough to secure the outcome you seek,
Even the strongest or most resilient of us succumb to this downward spiral of frustrating exhaustion,
The helpless powerlessness engulfs you, and all that remains is the despondent emptiness of misfortune.

SWITCH THE NARRATIVE

If you notice that you’ve tried everything but you seem to end up being a victim of every calamity,
It’s probably the story you have been telling yourself all your life that has reflected in your reality,
Extract the lessons the suffering presents, discover your true self and integrate it into your personality,
Beware of the psychological warfare the ego wages against the “conscious” you, for the triumph will revolutionize your morality.

A letter to my Inner Child

Hello little champ,

I know it’s been a while, I’ve kept you in my shadows for far too long. I am sorry for that, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t realise until recently that most of the reactions or emotions that I could not really work on and resolve were actually originating and mirroring what you felt and bottled up. I had never given you the space and voice to let it out, and that was very negligent of me. You have not had a very challenging childhood or difficult upbringing, but you haven’t had it easy either, and I acknowledge that. I know you had loving, caring parents but you did struggle feeling much loved in the initial phase of your evolution. You don’t remember much of the early years, but you do have flashes of feeling mishandled by relatives and family friends, though it is not too violating or daunting, but you did not understand what was happening or why, you felt fraught. You missed the presence of your dad tremendously as his job kept him away for long periods of time, which seemed indefinite to you, for you hadn’t understood the concept of time yet. You felt uneasy and restless without him around, you stood and waited by the balcony hoping that maybe he would be back from his voyages. You remember how every night, mom made a ritual of praying before going to bed, and you would pray with her and bhaiya..hoping that Daddy stays safe while sailing through piracy prone zones and sending him our love and good wishes, while also making us promise to her never to take up such a profession, because she did not want this cycle to continue. At first, you felt surprised because you idolised your father, and you wondered why mom would not want us to be like him, because you did not know that you could be like him without having to emulate his life decisions. You also felt anger because you really craved a physically present male caregiver – someone to go to the playground with, someone to play cricket with you or take you to tennis lessons – a father to enjoy those moments with..maybe you did, but you certainly don’t have any memory of it, and I feel you..it does suck not knowing if something happened and you don’t remember it or questioning if it ever happened at all, but regardless I very well know how you felt.

Life progressed, you learnt how to cope with the lifestyle you were born into. You were getting brainwashed by cultural teachings, religious propoganda and societal norms, while you also walked into a school everyday to conform to rules and exist within the confines of what is expected and acceptable, but you had no clue about it (well, no one does till eons later). You discovered your athletic side early, you were a good sprinter and had an affinity towards sports. You were also close to becoming an all-rounded young cricket phenomenon but started playing tennis by chance (thank you bhaiya) and became quite the prodigy, advancing levels and winning your first tournament before turning 10. It is still one of our biggest achievements till date, because the sport sparked something within us that we didn’t realise until a few years later. I still remember when Daddy came to watch the semi-finals, and even though I won, he said that it was quite a boring game (ofcourse it was, it was kids playing, afterall) – and it felt like a tiny piece of you had broken. Ofcourse he didn’t mean it like that, and he never came for another tennis game of yours, but you really seeked his approval and that made you feel like your talent or victory was not appreciated. But mom certainly did accompany you, till it became troublesome and bothered you because of external forces. You were always shy, but tennis made you confident, it made you believe in yourself, you learnt to back yourself when you had no support around and I admire that about you. The more you fell in love with tennis, the more you devoted attention and energy towards the sport, which meant it impacted your performance at school. You became one of the top players in your city, won several tournaments, reached top 50 in India and top 250 in Asia – these numbers did not mean that much to you because you knew you could be better, to prove to yourself and your parents that you are worthy, because your low grades and lack of discipline would work against you – you would be scolded, hit, compared with your brother and your friends..and you started feeling that you would never be enough. You distracted yourself by focusing on the limited fame and popularity that this brought to you, which meant socialising, interacting with girls and believing you had so many friends who saw your potential and worth more than the ones back home. You discovered rebellious behaviour, tuning into these distractions more and also falling into trouble at school, with grades showing no signs of improvement. This all led to your first heartbreak, when you were informed to let go of your dreams of pursuing professional tennis and focus on studies, because your parents did not believe you would make a living out of the sport and you had to study and make a career for yourself. Boy oh boy was that a tough moment, even though they were playing safe and looking out for you, which you did not see then. Remember the agony brought by the shattering of your dream, the disbelief of having your own family not believe in you, the hatred towards the world because you could not have it your way, the shame from just disappearing from the tennis radar? I can articulate it all now but you could just feel a mixed range of deep emotions, that drove you insane with rage..you wanted to destroy everything around you. Instead of losing your shit, you just decided to stop thinking about it and move on by focusing on studies and proving to mom and dad that you could be smart too, just for that validation, that acceptance..that hope of maybe they would know that you are enough. You had close friends who were there for you but to whom you could never open up, because you didn’t know how to, nobody at that age would even discuss these things..so you just believed that you would have to deal with everything on your own, without the tools.

You gave up playing tennis for a couple of years after representing your school and winning the tournament..worked your ass off in this vengeful hunt for 10th standard grades as good as my brothers’, because that was what you had blurted out when hurting from the “giving up your dream” discussion that turned into an argument. You managed to live up to your words, I remember you thinking that this would be enough and your worth would be realised, but instead the credit for the hardwork I had put into it went to mom’s superstitious and astrological beliefs. I remember you losing your shit, noticing the rage coming out through words of disbelief towards her and just screaming with pain..but nothing changed, I was still not validated and credited. You had many other personal events adding to pain and disappointment, but music and time in isolation helped you move past them. You had to experience extended family drama and see how it traumatised your mom, and with bro and dad away..you had to step-in, protect her and look after her, so you just nudged all the unresolved emotions and dealt with life in front of you. The stressful nights, the “what the fuck should I do now” moments that you went through in this phase of mumma’s life were so damaging to your own mental and emotional health, but you decided to focus on helping her get back on her feet and instilling life, confidence and faith within her again..not caring about being credited, just doing it out of your big heart filled with love and care for the woman who brought you into this world and raised you in those circumstances. I still don’t know how on earth you pulled all this off, despite the nemesis-y historical relationship with mom. Then there was the incident with bhaiya getting hospitalised, mom rushing to Bangalore and you having to manage the household and school life by yourself – and I noticed the responsible and mature side to you, but you still had no outlet for your emotions, you still felt insecure, out of place and lost. People tried to keep you company and distract you from that, but it was all temporary, wasn’t it? You developed coping mechanisms of people-pleasing, humour and reclusion. You experienced instances in previous relationships that reminded you of suppressed emotions or triggered wounds, and you didn’t know what to do..you would be filled with anger, inflict self-harm, punch walls and drive rash or just be unnecessarily rude and hurtful with words or just become inert…none of it was good for you, but you never realised why stupidities elicited such reactions from you. There are many more things that I can think of, but they are mostly interlinked to emotions and thoughts already mentioned above. You convinced yourself that you would always feel lonely, that you would need someone else to make you feel complete and whole again, that no one would understand, accept, appreciate and value you exactly how you are. You were hungry for a sense of control, for everything happening to you and around you seemed to be out of control. You believed that you would have to deal with your shit by yourself, and that helping others (we still love doing that, by the way) out would be your way of seeking solace and being at peace. What you did not realise is that you were craving real love, attention..someone to peel your layers off and see the real you and want to hold and look after you. What you did not realise is that you needed to pour out everything kept inside, that was slowly eating up the insides of your beautiful mind. And what I failed to realise is that you needed me, not only to hold you, but also to let you know that everything you thought and felt was justified..and I wish I could’ve gotten to you sooner and made you feel safe again.

It’s been a few months since I’ve dealt into the concept of trauma, wounds and healing..and researched on the topic, because my current relationship has inspired me to do so. Several heart-to-hearts and mind-to-mind discussions with my partner and her life made me dwell more on this, and over time..I realised that a lot of our own issues stemmed from the things that should’ve happened and would have filled your cup, but did not happen..while the things that did happen, never made you feel complete and whole. Your cup, my cup, our cup..is for me to fill now, for we are grown enough now to not point fingers at others, realise that they did their best with whatever they knew and had…plus, as my shell said..conscious parenting was far away from the anthropological radar. There are many things I want to tell you – you have made an amazing human of yourself at a rather young age, you have delved deep into the trenches of your mind, heart and soul to find yourself, be self-aware, recognize your issues and work on them to be better and not let them have power over you. We struggled with many things, but we have learnt how to accept, feel and let go of the burdens. Some issues kept coming back, and it was only after exposing myself to media surrounding such topics, I realised that it was not completely healed, even though I thought it was, because it originated from you..and I never gave you the limelight and embraced the spectacle you had to exhibit. You are still learning and growing, you are on the right path (right because we feel so good about ourselves) and you will constantly overcome any adversity that comes your way, because you have realised your self-worth, inculcated self-love, and are aware of those who support you. We are actively trying to heal and be ready to soak in the sunlight of life, wherever it might be. We have unlearnt everything we were taught, and then re-learnt what makes the most sense or speaks to us – we have questioned everything to figure ourselves out better and create our own identity, an open-minded being aspiring to make the world a better place. There is so much more, but you get the gist of it – we are doing great now and it would not have been possible without you and how you managed to build yourself up and find genial ways of handling situations. I want to thank you, and I want you to know that I love and appreciate you, and I deeply apologize for taking so long to sit with you, hear you out, feel the emotions you never dealt with and understand you. You are no longer in the shadow, rather..you’re the light that ignites the soul and invigorates me with hope and wholesomeness. You are held, valued, loved and cherished deeply. I hope you find solace knowing that you are safe now, because I have your back. I have always believed in your capabilties, even when you lacked compassionate support, and I hope you know that you have and will proceed to do greater things in life..with me holding your hand through it all.

Your guardian angel,
Anubhav.

Introspection

Self-assessment through a reflective gaze seems to be a daunting quest,
For to unfold the deepest of realms, in the corridors of memories one must invest,
Acknowledging progress and reliving achievements might feel wondrous to ingest,
While reminiscing failures and identifying defects might be hard to digest.

I have frequently succumbed to the chaotic cataclysm of the last 2 years,
It has been ground-breaking and perception shattering..facing and battling my fears,
It has been emotionally exhausting and mentally daunting..embracing the pain and wiping my tears,
It has been gruelling yet elevating, unlearning everything I was fed by society and discovering myself for real,
It has been exasperating yet forbearing, healing from the wounds of mental and physical ordeals,
It has been burdensome yet empowering, working towards turning my jeers into cheers,
Yet I have questioned everything I did, thought and felt seeking self-consciousness,
For in knowing oneself truly and completely is essential to attain internal consonance.

So my question to you is..do you ever sit down and look back on the year that’s passed by?
Do you reflect on your journey or are you a passer-by in your own life?
Do you see the things holding you back and figure out how to change things, or do you not even try?
Do you remain in a vicious cycle of sitting around whining and complaining, or do you envision battling the strife?
If not, then it’s time to start – just sit down and pick your brain apart,
Self-discovery will give more than money, fame and success can ever impart,
For wisdom and fulfillment comes not with age, but from looking within and learning from life until you depart.


Always Victorious

Most of the times, we never know how or when a great friendship starts,
Especially coz of this vast world, and our milky chance to ever cross paths,
In Thion-fucking-ville, as interns destined together to face the aftermaths,
Sharing that ludicrous apartment, while despondency tried to tear us apart.

I’m aware it took a while for us to get along – my sincere apologies for that,
While you invited me to socialise with you, I preferred being a lonesome lad,
Glad I eventually snapped out of it..for it barely took time to become your comrade,
Cooking, chilling and jamming together every night after work became a ritual so ironclad!

I feel we connected deeper when we worked together on your masters project,
I saw the visionary and creative side of you; I was more enthralled than I could expect,
T’was probably the inception of becoming potential business partners, your morals and convictions incited immense respect,
I really hope you achieve and actualise your foresight, for the world needs and would benefit from your ingenious doppler effect.

Travelling and volunteering with you in Portugal and Austria was an abundance of enrichment,
It not only widened our horizons, but also gave our bonding a sense of fulfillment,
It was the first time I let my responsible guard down and went with the flow of our displacement,
Annoyingly messy at first, but it turned out to be more fun and wholesome than imaginable – and that’s an understatement!

Seeing the progression from friendship to brotherhood has been nothing short of mesmerizing,
From high Rick & Morty, dark humour sessions and FIFA marathons to illegal underground parties in Paris and lagging jubilations in Amsterdayum..shit has has been galvanizingly tantalizing,
Surfing through stormy weather with you taught me a lot about philosophy, psychology and companionship,
A lot of life experienced and lessons learnt together in a short span of time

I want you to know that you’re on my mind even when we don’t speak,
It’s impossible to forget the one who was by my side when I felt so weak,
Immense love and gratitude for adding more value to my journey and my life than I could seek,
Our connection and understanding goes beyond what we can conceive, and it shall always remain unique.

You think you’re an asshole, but in fact a great person with great soul,
Your dedication and wit sets you apart, your existence plays a pivotal role,
The way you bounce back when you feel defeated and your constant efforts to be better than yesterday is inspirationally meritorious,
Everything you have been, are and will eventually become… in my eyes, be always victorious.

FR7224

T’was the first time ever that I had decided to go on a solo trip,
Being phoneless with an injured knee had almost forced me to skip,
I stayed unfazed and kept at it, I was excited for the Maltese flip,
Unbeknownst to me, my life would change on that very airstrip.

Fun fact – it was the first time I ever paid to reserve a flight seat,
30D – I’ll never forget the spot that made the journey so complete,
You were the last ones to board the plane, you didn’t look pleased,
Asking me to sit elsewhere, but a fully booked flight made you retreat,
Your pisellu beamed at me shyly, I couldn’t shy away from a smile so sweet,
Abandoning my Spotify ritual, I sparked a conversation quite indiscreet,
Fortunately, you put your earphones down to hear the words my mouth had to secrete,
Two distinct personalities, cultures and lifestyles surprisingly found solace in an exchange sans deceit,
I opened up about music, mental health and what mattered to me, without missing a beat,
You seemed enthralled, and unravelled yourself..the vehemence of our acquaintance increased,
The fact that both of us were upset as the flight landed, made me feel extremely pleased,
Was it fatal attraction, instant connection or impuslive authenticity that gave a glimpse of the jigsaw puzzle pieced?
T’was something much more profound, for our souls needed time to be sparked into belonging, be released and at ease.

Looking back now, it all feels like the universe conspired (through Ryanair) to make us meet,
Being lost in a non-stop discussion for the duration of the flight is quite some feat,
I’m glad you’re from Malta, otherwise asking for your number would’ve felt unnecessarily obsolete,
Truth be told..I wanted you to show me around (spend more time with me) for deep down, I knew my trip without you would feel incomplete.



Shifting Tides

Almost 2 years now that I’ve spent more time next to an ocean or a sea,
There’s just something in the solitude of the waves that keeps me company.
The waves yearn to reach the shore, like I’ve seeked self-improvement,
The shells get left behind on the coast, like I’ve been isolated through my attunement.
The crashing waves mold the sand, like my rainy days have strengthened my foundation,
The wind enables all this to happen, like the low tides in life has helped me rise to and overcome every situation.
I have felt depressed like the weather, unable to recognize my unstable conditions,
Self-awareness and self-acceptance has felt like a series of ebb and flow simulations.
Struggled even more with the turbulent storms wreaking havoc inside my heart and my consciousness,
When the tempest died down, I sat in silence..damaged with pain and lost in the trenches of my darkness,
The hardest part about surviving such chaos has always been forgiving myself and letting go of the disappointment in myself,
Until recently, I never noticed the sunlight seeping through the dissapearing clouds, like a continental shelf,
I’m grateful to be illuminated on my bright side, with rays of hope giving strength to remedy and practice self-love,
I sense the arrival of high tide in my journey, with manifestations of surreal moments of harmony and colourful skies up above.

Abstraction: Volume 1

I know it’s been a while since the last post, I was taking some time off. I’ve been working on some poems..they mostly hover around concepts that I have spent time pondering over. The aim is to keep it short, concise and raise awareness or get you to think too. This is part 1 of my anthology series, with poems covering 3 topics..

GUILT

My psychotherapist friend told me that this is not something that is FELT but instead is THOUGHT,
It would be needless to say I pondered over this perception a lot.
Only if you have a conscience, you will struggle with this mentally,
Maybe you hurt someone or did them wrong, probably unintentionally,
It eats you up inside, so you seek closure externally.
Instead of reopening wounds that are healing..leave them be,
What’s done is done, taking corrective measures and becoming a better human shall set you free.

FAWN RESPONSE

When you are too nice to others and try to avoid conflict,
When people pleasing becomes a tool while standing up for yourself takes a hit,
When you can’t say “No” and struggle with expressing your true thoughts and emotions,
Your past trauma conditions you to forfeit your needs, rights and boundaries to feel acceptable,
To feel safe from pain, judgement and rejection – is this even real ?
Awareness isn’t enough, you need to do much more to heal:
Realize this is a response from your nervous system to appease a threat,
When you are in the moment, take a step back and question,
Find answers for what would make you feel strong in a loving way, in such a situation – hold your ground and stay true to yourself as restitution.

KARMA

Everyone everywhere always seems to call you a bitch,
To me, your existence gives lessons that make life rich.
Our actions feel inconsequential at first, coz our arrogance takes you for granted, 
But later when something goes wrong, we start to wonder why we feel so haunted,
Your teachings not only make one wiser but also makes one grounded,
If you learn nothing from this metaphorical boomerang, you’ll forever be dumbfounded.
It’s true what they say: what goes around must always come back around,
So be good & do your best, and see how this mystical energy keeps you safe and sound.

Just Another Day

Have you ever slept 8 hours, but woke up feeling like shit?
So numb and disconnected, that you wanted to take a hit?
Go into work contemplating over actually wanting to quit?
Be part of the “corporate” culture, where you clearly do not fit?
Realising everything you’re “supposed” to do are things you want to omit.

You go sit in front of the screen, earphones on, coping through music,
Nothing really feels good, but the sounds are therapeutic,
The lyrical, mellifluous medicine, curbs you from feeling sick,
You close your eyes, take deep breaths, prepare yourself for the public,
Aiming to deceive ’em, pretending everything’s alright, ain’t that tragic?

Time passes by slowly, you eventually tune into your zone,
In a workplace environment, but you can’t maintain a professional tone,
Resort to joking and entertaining others, so I don’t have to be on my own,
Try to focus and get stuff done, productivity has to be shown,
When it’s time to leave, you realise your to-do-list has only grown.

Muddling through the cold and the late bus, you’re back to where you live,
Too much sucked out of you, you have too little left to give,
Muster up the energy to cook and eat in order to survive,
Gobble up the vitamin and meds that help your body revive,
Brace yourself for tomorrow, but the much-needed vigor you cannot derive.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, you lay down in bed,
Hoping to just doze off and not deal with what’s going on in your head,
The limtless intrusive thoughts, you’re barely hanging by a thread,
So weary and alone, you choke up with tears you’re unable to shed,
A vicious, repetitive cycle of everyday life you’ve started to dread.

To put your mind to bed, you try and meditate,
Feel gratitude for life, hoping optimism can elevate,
Wishing you feel better somehow, and that it’s not too late,
Yearning to be at peace and knocking on contentment’s gate,
Until you finally fall asleep, these thoughts reverberate.

Written on 2nd February, 2023 at 11pm CET






Unapologetic

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed or thought me to be,
I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me.
I’m sorry I let my past dictate my behavior around you and create several blocks for us,
I’m sorry I was a mess initially, and you had to deal with all the confusion and fuss.
I’m sorry I said and did things as per my convenience,
I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of all my malfeasance.
I’m sorry that you felt that everything was about me, although I tried my best to always be there for you,
I’m sorry that my words were misinterpreted even when all I wanted was to get through to you.
I’m sorry I could never really open up and truly be myself around you,
I’m sorry I always felt that I was too impure for my angelic boo.
I’m sorry I went to great lengths to prove a point to you,
I’m sorry I never realised that my stubborn, ignorant ways had adverse impacts on you.

I’m sorry for making you believe I was an angel though my actions were that of a toxic devil,
I’m sorry that every good thing I did was forgotten because my actions put you in a state of peril.
I’m sorry that I broke your trust and eventually..your heart,
I’m sorry that my plans and behavior always pushed us and kept us apart.
I’m sorry that I never asked what you wanted when things went wrong,
I’m sorry that my realisations and gut feelings were not in your favour..and too strong.
I’m sorry that you feel like you should’ve disconnected from me before,
I’m sorry that after all we went through, bitterness was the only thing left in your core.
I’m sorry that all good things come to an end, but I hope you think this was a good thing,
I’m sorry this is the way it has to be and you can’t be my queen and I can’t be your king,
I’m sorry that everything that reminds you of me will now start to sting,
But I know time will heal everything, and your future has brighter things and better times incoming.

I hope you know that I’m genuinely sorry for many more things than those mentioned above,
And I also hope that someday you can forgive this person that didn’t deserve your love.