Love – dniM s'vahbunA edisnI

Winding Down | Unbinding

To commemorate the end of the year of the snake, my soul felt called to reflect on my journey, my progression, my setbacks, my achievements, my pitfalls and my learnings and whatnot…not just in the past year but in the past 9 years (2017-2025), given that from a numerology perspective 2026 is the beginning of a new cycle.

I guess it is an exercise of honestly seeing who/how/what I have been, done or not done – and what I have realised from my own thoughts, emotions, behaviours, actions and experiences. I know that I have not been the best person, I know I have not done the best things, I know that I have not lived up to my promises, I know that I have hated myself for years – but now that I have developed a reasonably healthy relationship with myself, I am finally able and willing to acknowledge, accept and let go of the past versions and past incidents. I see the value in them, I know I do not want to view previous versions of myself from a place of hate or disdain, given they have played a role in ensuring I survive this long, and have shaped the person I am becoming now. So, this specific exercise feels liberating – especially the knowing that my past no longer holds power over me and can no longer hover over my consciousness. Everything that comes my way going forward, will be approached as if everything negative lingering from the last 9 years was absolved and reset, but the memories remain intact, remembered fondly and the lessons embraced and learnt.

It would be an understatement to say a lot has happened in the past 9 years. I have lived inauthentically (not being true to myself and therefore to others), I have chased perfection (and often been disappointed), I have been depressed (and established a comfort zone in it), I have been a toxic people-pleaser (and bred a lot of resentment and anger from it), I have caused pain to others (by trying to be the good guy, and eventually hurting them more). I have ignored and neglected parts of myself, I have not listened to my intuition, I have abandoned myself and my needs by focusing on others. I have tried to portray my ideal self to impress others (and to inflate my ego), I have tried to prove myself to others and seek external validation (as my inner critic made me hate myself), I have done things for not necessarily the right reasons (I haven’t been true and intentional in my ways). I have been ghosted (in my first relationship), a cheat (in my second and longest relationship), a fool (in my third relationship) and an immature coward (in my last & most meaningful relationship). I have lost people close to me, I have lost myself multiple times, I have felt numb, I have let people down, I have been fearful, ashamed, rigidly stubborn, unreliable, hypocritical, pessimistic, judgmental, selfish..I have been an anxious wreck, to be honest. I have put on facades and masks to conceal shit from others, I have tried living in accordance with societal norms, I have tried to fake it till I make it but..

NOT ANYMORE. I AM FINALLY DONE.

I have been on the receiving end of a lot of shit too, but this is not about feeling like a victim. I know those adversities were bringing things to my attention and awareness, and I was not wise enough to see and learn from them. This is about taking accountability and responsibility for the previous versions of me, that have informed and formed the current version of me, and also the fact that I can not only see and acknowledge it in hindsight..but I can also understand the intricate gears of my psyche that created these experiences and realities. Understanding is not enough, but working on sorting out myself and releasing myself from the shackles of these toxic, unreal, harmful patterns has been overwhelming, emotionally and mentally.

NOW, I FEEL FREE – I have experienced a few ego deaths, a few burials of my past selves and have eventually risen from the ashes like the Phoenix – renewed, rebirthed, radiant and resilient. I see myself truly now, and there is nothing more peaceful than finally living from a place of honesty and authenticity.

Abstraction: Volume II

This piece has taken much more time than anticipated, not because it was difficult to conceptualise them, but because my phone was stolen and the drafts were lost with it; so I had to re-write them or come up with new ideas or thoughts based on recent life experiences. Anyway, let it make you ponder, because the aim is to raise awareness about the self and concepts that one might be alien to.

FAUSTIAN BARGAIN

‘Tis a concept produced by German literature and folklore,
The tale follows a doctor named Faustus who decides to sell his soul,
To the devil, Mephisto, for magical powers and knowledge unattainable,
In order to gain access to and enjoy wordly pleasures insatiable.
Starking similarities in the way most humans sucuumb to the hedonistic lifestyle,
Numbing and blinding themselves to consciousness that makes life uneasy yet worthwhile,
Trading off their core values and beliefs for something superficial, momentary and indubitably futile,
What a waste of human life, to not feel or experience authentic life and be defiled by vices’ guile.

ETHICAL FADING

A fascinating, hypogeous and real social phenomenon plaguing society more than we can fathom,
Whether it be the capitalistic exploitation of consumers or a winning mentality propelling to a desirable stratum,
A narrow-minded effort creating pressure to self-serve or focus on the short-term objectives,
A slippery slope of justification, dehumanization and moral myopia concocting warped perspectives,
Combatting this demands awareneess, self-censorship and not yielding to moral disengagement,
Works towards harnessing a rich sense of accountability and tune into your conscience to gradually master this self-deceptive assuagement.

BUBBLE

For some it’s a narrowed perspective, for some it’s living in illusion, for some it’s alienating from society,
For others it’s a self-protection tool to avoid feeling any sort of discomfort and uncertainty,
Cognitive biases play pivotal roles for most in dismissing anything that challenges existing beliefs and threatens their sense of security,
Fear of being ostracized or being a misfit manipulates some to protect their ascertained sense of identity.
A complexly constructed psychosis that limits thinking, understanding and collaborating with humanity,
The only hope is that one can withstand and subjugate the inevitable rupture of the subdued self-induced vanity.

LET DOWN

The unmatched feeling of disillusionment that engulfs you when your hopes don’t materialize,
The Radiohead soundtrack plays internally while disappointment trickles down your eye,
Sinking deep in the abyss of dejection because your lack of self-worth proceeds to amplify,
The need for validation goes unmet, breeding resentment and making you agonize,
Cognitive dissonance destablizes you as expectations and reality are so unalike it’s a surprise,
Allow yourself to grieve, release the vice grip on false hopes if you want dismay to minimize,
Work on setting boundaries or practice radical acceptance and see your perspective revolutionize.

ALIGNMENT

I’m starting to get a hang of what growth looks like for me:
Not being tricked or controlled by the dystopia of my mental dichotomy,
Not sucuumbing to my former self-depleting people-pleasing modality,
Not having to conform to conventional norms, beliefs or expectations of society,
Not feeling constrained or restricted by my own or others’ insecurity,
Overcoming all my misinterpretations stemming from projections and anxiety,
Embracing the impermanence of life and being unfazed by uncertanity,
Exercising open-mindedness, not sacrificing my own needs; striving for authenticity,
Expressing my true thoughts and emotions and practicing vulnerability,
Being more conscious with my words, living up to them and fostering an environment of honesty,
Learning and becoming a better me each day; recalibrating my mindset to step up to any adversity,
Knowing that I’m evolving and progressing, to practice self-love and cherish solitary tranquility,
Focusing on the now, going with the flow – enjoying life’s harmonious serenditpity,
Surrounding myself with ones who really care and lighten up my world with imbecility,
Having the best intentions at heart and doing my best to add value to those in proximity.

Protected: Il-qoxra tiegħi

A letter to my Inner Child

Hello little champ,

I know it’s been a while, I’ve kept you in my shadows for far too long. I am sorry for that, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t realise until recently that most of the reactions or emotions that I could not really work on and resolve were actually originating and mirroring what you felt and bottled up. I had never given you the space and voice to let it out, and that was very negligent of me. You have not had a very challenging childhood or difficult upbringing, but you haven’t had it easy either, and I acknowledge that. I know you had loving, caring parents but you did struggle feeling much loved in the initial phase of your evolution. You don’t remember much of the early years, but you do have flashes of feeling mishandled by relatives and family friends, though it is not too violating or daunting, but you did not understand what was happening or why, you felt fraught. You missed the presence of your dad tremendously as his job kept him away for long periods of time, which seemed indefinite to you, for you hadn’t understood the concept of time yet. You felt uneasy and restless without him around, you stood and waited by the balcony hoping that maybe he would be back from his voyages. You remember how every night, mom made a ritual of praying before going to bed, and you would pray with her and bhaiya..hoping that Daddy stays safe while sailing through piracy prone zones and sending him our love and good wishes, while also making us promise to her never to take up such a profession, because she did not want this cycle to continue. At first, you felt surprised because you idolised your father, and you wondered why mom would not want us to be like him, because you did not know that you could be like him without having to emulate his life decisions. You also felt anger because you really craved a physically present male caregiver – someone to go to the playground with, someone to play cricket with you or take you to tennis lessons – a father to enjoy those moments with..maybe you did, but you certainly don’t have any memory of it, and I feel you..it does suck not knowing if something happened and you don’t remember it or questioning if it ever happened at all, but regardless I very well know how you felt.

Life progressed, you learnt how to cope with the lifestyle you were born into. You were getting brainwashed by cultural teachings, religious propoganda and societal norms, while you also walked into a school everyday to conform to rules and exist within the confines of what is expected and acceptable, but you had no clue about it (well, no one does till eons later). You discovered your athletic side early, you were a good sprinter and had an affinity towards sports. You were also close to becoming an all-rounded young cricket phenomenon but started playing tennis by chance (thank you bhaiya) and became quite the prodigy, advancing levels and winning your first tournament before turning 10. It is still one of our biggest achievements till date, because the sport sparked something within us that we didn’t realise until a few years later. I still remember when Daddy came to watch the semi-finals, and even though I won, he said that it was quite a boring game (ofcourse it was, it was kids playing, afterall) – and it felt like a tiny piece of you had broken. Ofcourse he didn’t mean it like that, and he never came for another tennis game of yours, but you really seeked his approval and that made you feel like your talent or victory was not appreciated. But mom certainly did accompany you, till it became troublesome and bothered you because of external forces. You were always shy, but tennis made you confident, it made you believe in yourself, you learnt to back yourself when you had no support around and I admire that about you. The more you fell in love with tennis, the more you devoted attention and energy towards the sport, which meant it impacted your performance at school. You became one of the top players in your city, won several tournaments, reached top 50 in India and top 250 in Asia – these numbers did not mean that much to you because you knew you could be better, to prove to yourself and your parents that you are worthy, because your low grades and lack of discipline would work against you – you would be scolded, hit, compared with your brother and your friends..and you started feeling that you would never be enough. You distracted yourself by focusing on the limited fame and popularity that this brought to you, which meant socialising, interacting with girls and believing you had so many friends who saw your potential and worth more than the ones back home. You discovered rebellious behaviour, tuning into these distractions more and also falling into trouble at school, with grades showing no signs of improvement. This all led to your first heartbreak, when you were informed to let go of your dreams of pursuing professional tennis and focus on studies, because your parents did not believe you would make a living out of the sport and you had to study and make a career for yourself. Boy oh boy was that a tough moment, even though they were playing safe and looking out for you, which you did not see then. Remember the agony brought by the shattering of your dream, the disbelief of having your own family not believe in you, the hatred towards the world because you could not have it your way, the shame from just disappearing from the tennis radar? I can articulate it all now but you could just feel a mixed range of deep emotions, that drove you insane with rage..you wanted to destroy everything around you. Instead of losing your shit, you just decided to stop thinking about it and move on by focusing on studies and proving to mom and dad that you could be smart too, just for that validation, that acceptance..that hope of maybe they would know that you are enough. You had close friends who were there for you but to whom you could never open up, because you didn’t know how to, nobody at that age would even discuss these things..so you just believed that you would have to deal with everything on your own, without the tools.

You gave up playing tennis for a couple of years after representing your school and winning the tournament..worked your ass off in this vengeful hunt for 10th standard grades as good as my brothers’, because that was what you had blurted out when hurting from the “giving up your dream” discussion that turned into an argument. You managed to live up to your words, I remember you thinking that this would be enough and your worth would be realised, but instead the credit for the hardwork I had put into it went to mom’s superstitious and astrological beliefs. I remember you losing your shit, noticing the rage coming out through words of disbelief towards her and just screaming with pain..but nothing changed, I was still not validated and credited. You had many other personal events adding to pain and disappointment, but music and time in isolation helped you move past them. You had to experience extended family drama and see how it traumatised your mom, and with bro and dad away..you had to step-in, protect her and look after her, so you just nudged all the unresolved emotions and dealt with life in front of you. The stressful nights, the “what the fuck should I do now” moments that you went through in this phase of mumma’s life were so damaging to your own mental and emotional health, but you decided to focus on helping her get back on her feet and instilling life, confidence and faith within her again..not caring about being credited, just doing it out of your big heart filled with love and care for the woman who brought you into this world and raised you in those circumstances. I still don’t know how on earth you pulled all this off, despite the nemesis-y historical relationship with mom. Then there was the incident with bhaiya getting hospitalised, mom rushing to Bangalore and you having to manage the household and school life by yourself – and I noticed the responsible and mature side to you, but you still had no outlet for your emotions, you still felt insecure, out of place and lost. People tried to keep you company and distract you from that, but it was all temporary, wasn’t it? You developed coping mechanisms of people-pleasing, humour and reclusion. You experienced instances in previous relationships that reminded you of suppressed emotions or triggered wounds, and you didn’t know what to do..you would be filled with anger, inflict self-harm, punch walls and drive rash or just be unnecessarily rude and hurtful with words or just become inert…none of it was good for you, but you never realised why stupidities elicited such reactions from you. There are many more things that I can think of, but they are mostly interlinked to emotions and thoughts already mentioned above. You convinced yourself that you would always feel lonely, that you would need someone else to make you feel complete and whole again, that no one would understand, accept, appreciate and value you exactly how you are. You were hungry for a sense of control, for everything happening to you and around you seemed to be out of control. You believed that you would have to deal with your shit by yourself, and that helping others (we still love doing that, by the way) out would be your way of seeking solace and being at peace. What you did not realise is that you were craving real love, attention..someone to peel your layers off and see the real you and want to hold and look after you. What you did not realise is that you needed to pour out everything kept inside, that was slowly eating up the insides of your beautiful mind. And what I failed to realise is that you needed me, not only to hold you, but also to let you know that everything you thought and felt was justified..and I wish I could’ve gotten to you sooner and made you feel safe again.

It’s been a few months since I’ve dealt into the concept of trauma, wounds and healing..and researched on the topic, because my current relationship has inspired me to do so. Several heart-to-hearts and mind-to-mind discussions with my partner and her life made me dwell more on this, and over time..I realised that a lot of our own issues stemmed from the things that should’ve happened and would have filled your cup, but did not happen..while the things that did happen, never made you feel complete and whole. Your cup, my cup, our cup..is for me to fill now, for we are grown enough now to not point fingers at others, realise that they did their best with whatever they knew and had…plus, as my shell said..conscious parenting was far away from the anthropological radar. There are many things I want to tell you – you have made an amazing human of yourself at a rather young age, you have delved deep into the trenches of your mind, heart and soul to find yourself, be self-aware, recognize your issues and work on them to be better and not let them have power over you. We struggled with many things, but we have learnt how to accept, feel and let go of the burdens. Some issues kept coming back, and it was only after exposing myself to media surrounding such topics, I realised that it was not completely healed, even though I thought it was, because it originated from you..and I never gave you the limelight and embraced the spectacle you had to exhibit. You are still learning and growing, you are on the right path (right because we feel so good about ourselves) and you will constantly overcome any adversity that comes your way, because you have realised your self-worth, inculcated self-love, and are aware of those who support you. We are actively trying to heal and be ready to soak in the sunlight of life, wherever it might be. We have unlearnt everything we were taught, and then re-learnt what makes the most sense or speaks to us – we have questioned everything to figure ourselves out better and create our own identity, an open-minded being aspiring to make the world a better place. There is so much more, but you get the gist of it – we are doing great now and it would not have been possible without you and how you managed to build yourself up and find genial ways of handling situations. I want to thank you, and I want you to know that I love and appreciate you, and I deeply apologize for taking so long to sit with you, hear you out, feel the emotions you never dealt with and understand you. You are no longer in the shadow, rather..you’re the light that ignites the soul and invigorates me with hope and wholesomeness. You are held, valued, loved and cherished deeply. I hope you find solace knowing that you are safe now, because I have your back. I have always believed in your capabilties, even when you lacked compassionate support, and I hope you know that you have and will proceed to do greater things in life..with me holding your hand through it all.

Your guardian angel,
Anubhav.

Introspection

Self-assessment through a reflective gaze seems to be a daunting quest,
For to unfold the deepest of realms, in the corridors of memories one must invest,
Acknowledging progress and reliving achievements might feel wondrous to ingest,
While reminiscing failures and identifying defects might be hard to digest.

I have frequently succumbed to the chaotic cataclysm of the last 2 years,
It has been ground-breaking and perception shattering..facing and battling my fears,
It has been emotionally exhausting and mentally daunting..embracing the pain and wiping my tears,
It has been gruelling yet elevating, unlearning everything I was fed by society and discovering myself for real,
It has been exasperating yet forbearing, healing from the wounds of mental and physical ordeals,
It has been burdensome yet empowering, working towards turning my jeers into cheers,
Yet I have questioned everything I did, thought and felt seeking self-consciousness,
For in knowing oneself truly and completely is essential to attain internal consonance.

So my question to you is..do you ever sit down and look back on the year that’s passed by?
Do you reflect on your journey or are you a passer-by in your own life?
Do you see the things holding you back and figure out how to change things, or do you not even try?
Do you remain in a vicious cycle of sitting around whining and complaining, or do you envision battling the strife?
If not, then it’s time to start – just sit down and pick your brain apart,
Self-discovery will give more than money, fame and success can ever impart,
For wisdom and fulfillment comes not with age, but from looking within and learning from life until you depart.

FR7224

T’was the first time ever that I had decided to go on a solo trip,
Being phoneless with an injured knee had almost forced me to skip,
I stayed unfazed and kept at it, I was excited for the Maltese flip,
Unbeknownst to me, my life would change on that very airstrip.

Fun fact – it was the first time I ever paid to reserve a flight seat,
30D – I’ll never forget the spot that made the journey so complete,
You were the last ones to board the plane, you didn’t look pleased,
Asking me to sit elsewhere, but a fully booked flight made you retreat,
Your pisellu beamed at me shyly, I couldn’t shy away from a smile so sweet,
Abandoning my Spotify ritual, I sparked a conversation quite indiscreet,
Fortunately, you put your earphones down to hear the words my mouth had to secrete,
Two distinct personalities, cultures and lifestyles surprisingly found solace in an exchange sans deceit,
I opened up about music, mental health and what mattered to me, without missing a beat,
You seemed enthralled, and unravelled yourself..the vehemence of our acquaintance increased,
The fact that both of us were upset as the flight landed, made me feel extremely pleased,
Was it fatal attraction, instant connection or impuslive authenticity that gave a glimpse of the jigsaw puzzle pieced?
T’was something much more profound, for our souls needed time to be sparked into belonging, be released and at ease.

Looking back now, it all feels like the universe conspired (through Ryanair) to make us meet,
Being lost in a non-stop discussion for the duration of the flight is quite some feat,
I’m glad you’re from Malta, otherwise asking for your number would’ve felt unnecessarily obsolete,
Truth be told..I wanted you to show me around (spend more time with me) for deep down, I knew my trip without you would feel incomplete.

Over The Limit..

I wouldn’t want to tell the world the story of how we found each other,
Coz words won’t ever do it justice, it’s grander than what a prose could cover,
The connection was immaculate, vibes unparalleled, minds in-sync like never,
We revelled with each other’s interests effortlessly, like 2 birds of the same feather,
You made me feel like you were the one for me and we could not only flock but also grow old together.
We were out of place, next to each other, spending more time ensemble than planned,
Exploring sides of ourselves we never thought existed, knowing no one else would understand,
It was all too good to be true, I guess, as I was forced to bow out & fold when you decided to play your hand.

I wouldn’t want the world to know why you gave up and ended things,
Your excuses were quite obscure yet fixable, and not really knowing stings.
Remember when you told me you felt you were falling down a sinkhole and were dragging me along?
I stood by you, ensured you weren’t alone, that you pulled through strong.
When the tables turned months later and I felt low, exhausted, in a rut,
Funny how you blamed me for letting one thing bring everything else down, and left me out with the doors shut.
I was told that I taught the caged-bird how to fly by spreading its wings,
Later from commitment, you flew, back into your cage, blaming me for things.
Expressing and communicating was the key you overlooked, locking me out, ignorant to my point of view,
Months later you changed colours, making me feel like I was smothering and suffocating you,
I am the emotionally-invested, affectionate partner, I thought you always knew.
You thought I was scared to be alone? Hon, I’m so inured to it, I’m terrified it’s my comfort zone,
I’ve always wanted someone to share it all with, can’t you see it’s not as fulfilling for me if I’m on my own?

You can’t imagine how excruciating the last few months have been for me, adding on to the emotional and mental fatigue of the last few years,
The last 2 times I met you, you crushed a part of my soul with your behaviour and I was drowning in tears,
But I got no choice, need to accept shit and move on, instead of letting my mind retain the lingering jeers,
A constant reminder that I can’t force or control things, but I got no regrets because I gave my all and still failed,
A humbling edification for me – putting efforts, working through things and not giving up aren’t values to ever compensate,
Life sucks with its shitty phases, and I felt lonesome, woeful and drained,
That’s when I needed you most to be there for me, while you yearned to be estranged,
This anger fuelled disappointment has me contaminated, but I no longer wish to be emotionally chained,
So although I’ve had less to look forward to, and more to lament, you’ll always be a part of me, that can never be changed.

It’s time to Final Lullaby this chapter, ease my mind and finally let go,
What I thought was a blessing turned into a lesson, from which I’ll grow,
So all I wanna do is be grateful to you for the limited experience,
T’was convivial being a part of your journey, irrespective of the harrowing consequence.
I’m beholden to you for showing me that I could be my vulnerable, raw self at all times and still be adored like a galaxy full of stars,
And I’m happy that I could illuminate you more in our time together than life had taught you so far,
I’ll look back on our eternal memories, cherish them, savouring the purported battle scar.
I hope you embraced our time together; the experience of a lifetime that went by quickly,
I hope you get over some things that I’ve said, because it’s better to speak your mind than to suppress the thoughts and let it eat you slowly,
Plus, actions speak louder than words, and all I ever did was to be there for you at all times and make you feel homely.
I hope you learn that building and maintaining relationships requires trust, communication, work and consistency,
I hope you gain conscious clarity and maturity, and are not influenced by others too easily,
I hope you figure out what you really want, overcome your fears and become the person you aspire to be,
I hope the way you’ve always been in everyone’s eyes doesn’t end up defining you, and that you reach the potential I see,
I hope you find someone to whom you can give your all, without ever thinking about me,
I’d never say or think that You’re The Worst, but know that you could’ve been the Gretchen to my Jimmy,
But now I release the broken promises across boundaries, focused on being a better me, wondering what deserving better looks like for me..

Sacred

Oh captain, my captain, you are a role model for me,
Because growing up to become a gem like you is all that I’ve aspired to be.
A smart, handsome man who is deeply adored for brightening up every room he enters,
And is deeply revered and admired by every crew member he mentors.
I feel blessed to have inherited your charm and invaluable qualities,
Or else I would’ve been dull and one of them oddities.

You were a simple village boy who faced adversities at a tender age,
You used it as motivation to stand on your own feet and turn the page.
The path you chose to make ends meet must’ve seemed thrilling at first,
Sailing across nations on a ship, till your family became the water you wished for to quench your thirst.
We deeply admire the sacrifices you’ve made to give us a trouble-free life,
No wonder you’ve been rewarded with such responsible kids and an amazingly understanding wife.

Your presence at home always makes us feel elated,
Whenever you’re away at sea, we all feel so incomplete and jaded.
I know you would’ve preferred to be there for us more during our childhood,
But you’ve been a great dad regardless, you’ve done the most you could.
I reminisce those evenings spent with you playing sudoku, jumble and solving crosswords using your super old dictionary,
I’ll always be grateful to you for sharpening my mind and expanding my vocabulary.

I consider myself fortunate to have you in my life and be your son,
The little time we’ve spent together over the years have been nothing short of fun,
Having a few drinks, exchanging stories, listening to old music and talking about life,
It’s been a privilege to be able to share these moments with you and get some life-changing advice.
I cherish the bond and relationship that we have developed over time,
Knowing that you have unwavering faith in me always makes me feel like there’s no mountain high enough for me to climb.

You’ve been more in touch with your emotions since becoming a senior citizen,
Longing to spend more time with all of us than being in the Captain’s den.
I know you’ve worked hard for far too long and should soon retire,
So that you can relax, spend more time with mum and do whatever you desire.
And..since you might begin to forget things and your memory might get faded,
I want to remind you that it’s you that completes us and makes our family so sacred.

The Sole Conqueror of All Miseries

Our parents were blessed in mid-January of 1993,
Giving birth to a cute Indian kid who looked more like a firangi.
Little did they know you’d grow up to become the family treasure,
And the brother that they’d give you 3 years later would love you more than any scale could measure.

You were always the quiet, reserved, diligently intelligent kid,
Realised it early that a small circle held more value than having many friends did,
I’m grateful to you for exposing me to a multitude of stuff,
Sports, music, shows, video games..you influenced my life more than anything else could’ve.

It’s funny how we were polar opposites when equated,
To the extent where nobody really thought we were even related,
I guess the way we fought with each other publicly was the only proof,
Besides the fact that we managed to live under the same roof.
I’m glad that we eventually managed to create a bond so dear,
And I know for a fact that we’ll always maintain it irrespective of whether we’re far or near.

Even though I’m the younger one, I’ve seen you grow too over the years,
Fighting everything on your own and holding back the tears,
No wonder you’re so strong, courageous and brave in our eyes,
The way you’ve proved everyone wrong with your resilience fills me with pride.

You don’t know how good it feels to see you happy and settled in Canada now,
Figuring and sorting out personal and professional life, making others wonder how,
As a result, we haven’t met often…I know we’ve been used to living apart for a while,
But I hope we meet soon, because not being able to be around you for so long makes me feel vile.

From Ekant to Rahul, I’ve seen the transition and evolution,
I believe that your experiences have led you to be your best version.
You’ve had to overcome a lot of hurdles along the way,
Weathered the storms of life to see the sunny parts of each day,
I feel so fortunately blessed to have you as my elder brother,
And even if I don’t say that enough, just know that I’ll be there for you forever.

Unapologetic

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed or thought me to be,
I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me.
I’m sorry I let my past dictate my behavior around you and create several blocks for us,
I’m sorry I was a mess initially, and you had to deal with all the confusion and fuss.
I’m sorry I said and did things as per my convenience,
I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of all my malfeasance.
I’m sorry that you felt that everything was about me, although I tried my best to always be there for you,
I’m sorry that my words were misinterpreted even when all I wanted was to get through to you.
I’m sorry I could never really open up and truly be myself around you,
I’m sorry I always felt that I was too impure for my angelic boo.
I’m sorry I went to great lengths to prove a point to you,
I’m sorry I never realised that my stubborn, ignorant ways had adverse impacts on you.

I’m sorry for making you believe I was an angel though my actions were that of a toxic devil,
I’m sorry that every good thing I did was forgotten because my actions put you in a state of peril.
I’m sorry that I broke your trust and eventually..your heart,
I’m sorry that my plans and behavior always pushed us and kept us apart.
I’m sorry that I never asked what you wanted when things went wrong,
I’m sorry that my realisations and gut feelings were not in your favour..and too strong.
I’m sorry that you feel like you should’ve disconnected from me before,
I’m sorry that after all we went through, bitterness was the only thing left in your core.
I’m sorry that all good things come to an end, but I hope you think this was a good thing,
I’m sorry this is the way it has to be and you can’t be my queen and I can’t be your king,
I’m sorry that everything that reminds you of me will now start to sting,
But I know time will heal everything, and your future has brighter things and better times incoming.

I hope you know that I’m genuinely sorry for many more things than those mentioned above,
And I also hope that someday you can forgive this person that didn’t deserve your love.