Tag Archives: Mental Health

Abstraction: Volume II

This piece has taken much more time than anticipated, not because it was difficult to conceptualise them, but because my phone was stolen and the drafts were lost with it; so I had to re-write them or come up with new ideas or thoughts based on recent life experiences. Anyway, let it make you ponder, because the aim is to raise awareness about the self and concepts that one might be alien to.

FAUSTIAN BARGAIN

‘Tis a concept produced by German literature and folklore,
The tale follows a doctor named Faustus who decides to sell his soul,
To the devil, Mephisto, for magical powers and knowledge unattainable,
In order to gain access to and enjoy wordly pleasures insatiable.
Starking similarities in the way most humans sucuumb to the hedonistic lifestyle,
Numbing and blinding themselves to consciousness that makes life uneasy yet worthwhile,
Trading off their core values and beliefs for something superficial, momentary and indubitably futile,
What a waste of human life, to not feel or experience authentic life and be defiled by vices’ guile.

ETHICAL FADING

A fascinating, hypogeous and real social phenomenon plaguing society more than we can fathom,
Whether it be the capitalistic exploitation of consumers or a winning mentality propelling to a desirable stratum,
A narrow-minded effort creating pressure to self-serve or focus on the short-term objectives,
A slippery slope of justification, dehumanization and moral myopia concocting warped perspectives,
Combatting this demands awareneess, self-censorship and not yielding to moral disengagement,
Works towards harnessing a rich sense of accountability and tune into your conscience to gradually master this self-deceptive assuagement.

BUBBLE

For some it’s a narrowed perspective, for some it’s living in illusion, for some it’s alienating from society,
For others it’s a self-protection tool to avoid feeling any sort of discomfort and uncertainty,
Cognitive biases play pivotal roles for most in dismissing anything that challenges existing beliefs and threatens their sense of security,
Fear of being ostracized or being a misfit manipulates some to protect their ascertained sense of identity.
A complexly constructed psychosis that limits thinking, understanding and collaborating with humanity,
The only hope is that one can withstand and subjugate the inevitable rupture of the subdued self-induced vanity.

LET DOWN

The unmatched feeling of disillusionment that engulfs you when your hopes don’t materialize,
The Radiohead soundtrack plays internally while disappointment trickles down your eye,
Sinking deep in the abyss of dejection because your lack of self-worth proceeds to amplify,
The need for validation goes unmet, breeding resentment and making you agonize,
Cognitive dissonance destablizes you as expectations and reality are so unalike it’s a surprise,
Allow yourself to grieve, release the vice grip on false hopes if you want dismay to minimize,
Work on setting boundaries or practice radical acceptance and see your perspective revolutionize.

ALIGNMENT

I’m starting to get a hang of what growth looks like for me:
Not being tricked or controlled by the dystopia of my mental dichotomy,
Not sucuumbing to my former self-depleting people-pleasing modality,
Not having to conform to conventional norms, beliefs or expectations of society,
Not feeling constrained or restricted by my own or others’ insecurity,
Overcoming all my misinterpretations stemming from projections and anxiety,
Embracing the impermanence of life and being unfazed by uncertanity,
Exercising open-mindedness, not sacrificing my own needs; striving for authenticity,
Expressing my true thoughts and emotions and practicing vulnerability,
Being more conscious with my words, living up to them and fostering an environment of honesty,
Learning and becoming a better me each day; recalibrating my mindset to step up to any adversity,
Knowing that I’m evolving and progressing, to practice self-love and cherish solitary tranquility,
Focusing on the now, going with the flow – enjoying life’s harmonious serenditpity,
Surrounding myself with ones who really care and lighten up my world with imbecility,
Having the best intentions at heart and doing my best to add value to those in proximity.

QUATRAINS

Just a challenging experiment I carried out, to see if I could write 4-line poems, cover the desired concepts, thoughts and emotions while also managing to share my learnings, my experiences and a message.

Follow the 3Rs – Read, reflect and recognize and the 3As – Absorb, analyze and actualize..to make the most from this.

MINDGAME?

Do you also find your mind burdened with trivial, superfluous absurdities?
Do you also question why we torment ourselves and create illusionary adversities?
Dig deep to segregate the noise from stuff actually seated in reality,
Realise it’s the ego playing games with us, scared of losing its power & identity..

EXPECTATIONS

Everyone knows that the worst thing about expecting is the inevitable disappointment,
No one discerns that the unrealism coated in most expectations is extremely poignant,
Question your desires, understand what’s practical instead of concocting unncessary resentment,
Share and discuss it with loved ones to build and maintain a harmonious relationship through alignment.

GRATITUDE

We live in a world where most of us succumb to our insatiable greed or irrevocable self-absorption,
We blind ourselves and fail to realise the privileged life we’ve led through the luxury of option,
We must start appreciating everything that we have, and be grateful for experiencing life everyday,
This virtue fuels the soul, makes the mind optimistic and changes life in spectacular ways.

DO THE WORK

Wounds and their inception are to be identified, studied and acknowledged,
Open yourself up to feel, process every thought and emotion that has kept you demolished,
Remind yourself that nothing holds power over you, that you can change and wounds can heal,
Know that re-inventing yourself and overcoming hurdles will remain a constant yet enlightening ordeal.

CONCEDE

Have you experienced moments or days of sheer, disintegrating defeat?
When you’ve done and given your best consistently but it still ain’t enough to secure the outcome you seek,
Even the strongest or most resilient of us succumb to this downward spiral of frustrating exhaustion,
The helpless powerlessness engulfs you, and all that remains is the despondent emptiness of misfortune.

SWITCH THE NARRATIVE

If you notice that you’ve tried everything but you seem to end up being a victim of every calamity,
It’s probably the story you have been telling yourself all your life that has reflected in your reality,
Extract the lessons the suffering presents, discover your true self and integrate it into your personality,
Beware of the psychological warfare the ego wages against the “conscious” you, for the triumph will revolutionize your morality.

Introspection

Self-assessment through a reflective gaze seems to be a daunting quest,
For to unfold the deepest of realms, in the corridors of memories one must invest,
Acknowledging progress and reliving achievements might feel wondrous to ingest,
While reminiscing failures and identifying defects might be hard to digest.

I have frequently succumbed to the chaotic cataclysm of the last 2 years,
It has been ground-breaking and perception shattering..facing and battling my fears,
It has been emotionally exhausting and mentally daunting..embracing the pain and wiping my tears,
It has been gruelling yet elevating, unlearning everything I was fed by society and discovering myself for real,
It has been exasperating yet forbearing, healing from the wounds of mental and physical ordeals,
It has been burdensome yet empowering, working towards turning my jeers into cheers,
Yet I have questioned everything I did, thought and felt seeking self-consciousness,
For in knowing oneself truly and completely is essential to attain internal consonance.

So my question to you is..do you ever sit down and look back on the year that’s passed by?
Do you reflect on your journey or are you a passer-by in your own life?
Do you see the things holding you back and figure out how to change things, or do you not even try?
Do you remain in a vicious cycle of sitting around whining and complaining, or do you envision battling the strife?
If not, then it’s time to start – just sit down and pick your brain apart,
Self-discovery will give more than money, fame and success can ever impart,
For wisdom and fulfillment comes not with age, but from looking within and learning from life until you depart.


Shifting Tides

Almost 2 years now that I’ve spent more time next to an ocean or a sea,
There’s just something in the solitude of the waves that keeps me company.
The waves yearn to reach the shore, like I’ve seeked self-improvement,
The shells get left behind on the coast, like I’ve been isolated through my attunement.
The crashing waves mold the sand, like my rainy days have strengthened my foundation,
The wind enables all this to happen, like the low tides in life has helped me rise to and overcome every situation.
I have felt depressed like the weather, unable to recognize my unstable conditions,
Self-awareness and self-acceptance has felt like a series of ebb and flow simulations.
Struggled even more with the turbulent storms wreaking havoc inside my heart and my consciousness,
When the tempest died down, I sat in silence..damaged with pain and lost in the trenches of my darkness,
The hardest part about surviving such chaos has always been forgiving myself and letting go of the disappointment in myself,
Until recently, I never noticed the sunlight seeping through the dissapearing clouds, like a continental shelf,
I’m grateful to be illuminated on my bright side, with rays of hope giving strength to remedy and practice self-love,
I sense the arrival of high tide in my journey, with manifestations of surreal moments of harmony and colourful skies up above.

Over The Limit..

I wouldn’t want to tell the world the story of how we found each other,
Coz words won’t ever do it justice, it’s grander than what a prose could cover,
The connection was immaculate, vibes unparalleled, minds in-sync like never,
We revelled with each other’s interests effortlessly, like 2 birds of the same feather,
You made me feel like you were the one for me and we could not only flock but also grow old together.
We were out of place, next to each other, spending more time ensemble than planned,
Exploring sides of ourselves we never thought existed, knowing no one else would understand,
It was all too good to be true, I guess, as I was forced to bow out & fold when you decided to play your hand.

I wouldn’t want the world to know why you gave up and ended things,
Your excuses were quite obscure yet fixable, and not really knowing stings.
Remember when you told me you felt you were falling down a sinkhole and were dragging me along?
I stood by you, ensured you weren’t alone, that you pulled through strong.
When the tables turned months later and I felt low, exhausted, in a rut,
Funny how you blamed me for letting one thing bring everything else down, and left me out with the doors shut.
I was told that I taught the caged-bird how to fly by spreading its wings,
Later from commitment, you flew, back into your cage, blaming me for things.
Expressing and communicating was the key you overlooked, locking me out, ignorant to my point of view,
Months later you changed colours, making me feel like I was smothering and suffocating you,
I am the emotionally-invested, affectionate partner, I thought you always knew.
You thought I was scared to be alone? Hon, I’m so inured to it, I’m terrified it’s my comfort zone,
I’ve always wanted someone to share it all with, can’t you see it’s not as fulfilling for me if I’m on my own?

You can’t imagine how excruciating the last few months have been for me, adding on to the emotional and mental fatigue of the last few years,
The last 2 times I met you, you crushed a part of my soul with your behaviour and I was drowning in tears,
But I got no choice, need to accept shit and move on, instead of letting my mind retain the lingering jeers,
A constant reminder that I can’t force or control things, but I got no regrets because I gave my all and still failed,
A humbling edification for me – putting efforts, working through things and not giving up aren’t values to ever compensate,
Life sucks with its shitty phases, and I felt lonesome, woeful and drained,
That’s when I needed you most to be there for me, while you yearned to be estranged,
This anger fuelled disappointment has me contaminated, but I no longer wish to be emotionally chained,
So although I’ve had less to look forward to, and more to lament, you’ll always be a part of me, that can never be changed.

It’s time to Final Lullaby this chapter, ease my mind and finally let go,
What I thought was a blessing turned into a lesson, from which I’ll grow,
So all I wanna do is be grateful to you for the limited experience,
T’was convivial being a part of your journey, irrespective of the harrowing consequence.
I’m beholden to you for showing me that I could be my vulnerable, raw self at all times and still be adored like a galaxy full of stars,
And I’m happy that I could illuminate you more in our time together than life had taught you so far,
I’ll look back on our eternal memories, cherish them, savouring the purported battle scar.
I hope you embraced our time together; the experience of a lifetime that went by quickly,
I hope you get over some things that I’ve said, because it’s better to speak your mind than to suppress the thoughts and let it eat you slowly,
Plus, actions speak louder than words, and all I ever did was to be there for you at all times and make you feel homely.
I hope you learn that building and maintaining relationships requires trust, communication, work and consistency,
I hope you gain conscious clarity and maturity, and are not influenced by others too easily,
I hope you figure out what you really want, overcome your fears and become the person you aspire to be,
I hope the way you’ve always been in everyone’s eyes doesn’t end up defining you, and that you reach the potential I see,
I hope you find someone to whom you can give your all, without ever thinking about me,
I’d never say or think that You’re The Worst, but know that you could’ve been the Gretchen to my Jimmy,
But now I release the broken promises across boundaries, focused on being a better me, wondering what deserving better looks like for me..

Just Another Day

Have you ever slept 8 hours, but woke up feeling like shit?
So numb and disconnected, that you wanted to take a hit?
Go into work contemplating over actually wanting to quit?
Be part of the “corporate” culture, where you clearly do not fit?
Realising everything you’re “supposed” to do are things you want to omit.

You go sit in front of the screen, earphones on, coping through music,
Nothing really feels good, but the sounds are therapeutic,
The lyrical, mellifluous medicine, curbs you from feeling sick,
You close your eyes, take deep breaths, prepare yourself for the public,
Aiming to deceive ’em, pretending everything’s alright, ain’t that tragic?

Time passes by slowly, you eventually tune into your zone,
In a workplace environment, but you can’t maintain a professional tone,
Resort to joking and entertaining others, so I don’t have to be on my own,
Try to focus and get stuff done, productivity has to be shown,
When it’s time to leave, you realise your to-do-list has only grown.

Muddling through the cold and the late bus, you’re back to where you live,
Too much sucked out of you, you have too little left to give,
Muster up the energy to cook and eat in order to survive,
Gobble up the vitamin and meds that help your body revive,
Brace yourself for tomorrow, but the much-needed vigor you cannot derive.

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, you lay down in bed,
Hoping to just doze off and not deal with what’s going on in your head,
The limtless intrusive thoughts, you’re barely hanging by a thread,
So weary and alone, you choke up with tears you’re unable to shed,
A vicious, repetitive cycle of everyday life you’ve started to dread.

To put your mind to bed, you try and meditate,
Feel gratitude for life, hoping optimism can elevate,
Wishing you feel better somehow, and that it’s not too late,
Yearning to be at peace and knocking on contentment’s gate,
Until you finally fall asleep, these thoughts reverberate.

Written on 2nd February, 2023 at 11pm CET






Chronic Blamers

There is a special breed of people that you might meet,
Where nothing will seem wrong at the initial peek,
But if you spend enough time for them to reveal,
You’ll realise they are diagnosed with an irksome disease.

This vexing malady feeds off of their insecurity,
Pointing fingers at others..avoid taking responsibility,
No matter how miniscule the issue might be,
They ensure that you feel sorry and they are guilt-free,
They manage to shift the fault and shame with such disdain,
Playing the “innocent” victim is their favourite game.

The issue never seems to be with them but always the other,
This stubbornness turns into a toxic mental smother,
Surprising how quick they are to deny, cover up and sigh,
Without realising how this pathogen ruins them on the inside,
Their minds always in a haze, thoughts clouded by their constant phase,
It is baffling how they live in denial with such grace.

If you read this and it pinches you,
You’re one of ’em, you need to change your blinded view,
Or if someone has previously called you out,
You need to come to terms with it and start to doubt,
Take a step back, self-reflect and realise when the fault is your own,
Only then the seed of convalescence within you can be sown.

People will appreciate it if you own up to your mistake,
And try to rectify them instead of looking for an escape,
For we are all beings who need to be kind and understand,
That you are trapped in a cycle and need a helping hand.
Always remember that it’s not always about who is right,
More about learning and growing together in hindsight.

Take responsibility for the role you play in your own misery,
Your psyche, it’s a prison, can’t you see?
Chronic Blamers, I hope you hear my plea,
I know you can change your ways and break free.

Interlude

Meaning: An interlude is an instrumental passage that connects different parts of the song. Interludes generally do not have a fixed length and some artists may even use interludes to transition from one song to another in an album.

I know it’s been a while [(69+23) days] since I last posted, so this is the “passage” to fill you in on that gap. It’s been an arduous last few months (to say the least), as I tried to finally deal with the plethora of thoughts and emotions constantly rupturing my mind. It’s not been easy at all, if I’m being completely honest..but nothing is ever easy for me. People see me as this easygoing, gregarious being, but they wouldn’t be able to comprehend how challenging it is for this soul. The way I am, the dynamics of my cerebrum, the depth of my emotions..is all just too much for me to decompose sometimes.

I usually detach myself from my thoughts and emotions, and focus on others so that I don’t have to deal with myself. But the fact that almost everyone close to me was going through their own shit definitely added some base points to my mental misery index. Off late, I find it easier to help others first than to help myself, because I don’t feel like I am in complete control of myself..and that’s tough to delineate. But after a point, I know I have to get back to focusing on myself, sorting out the mess that I orchestrated or (very well) deserved to be on the receiving end of. I have had to deal with a range of emotions, which have been extremely shattering and consuming. Regardless, I have come to understand myself really well in this timeframe, and I feel that this level of self-awareness is counterproductive sometimes..and I just have to deal with it. I do spend a lot of time self-reflecting and figuring out ways to improve myself..be better, only to eventually convince myself that I am, indeed, a nice human being. For me, feeling that is very important in order to carry on..and I hope I don’t have to convince myself.

I have tried to constantly assess the blocking points in my head and have reasoned with some concurrent senselessness, which never seems to depart. This noise not only disrupted my peace of mind but also disturbed the sleep, which was quite exasperating. Trying to sort this out was a challenge, especially since I had started a new job and moved to a new country. It sucks when you can’t focus or feel motivated to work, but I gave myself the time to constantly evaluate my mental space and understand how I could come out of this sombre zone. Otherwise, I have tried to settle in and set a routine life here at Luxembourg, giving more time to things that make me feel better and motivated (mostly sports). I do feel like I’m getting there mentally, but I need to be more patient and strong. At the end of the day, I know that only I can change things that are under my control and I hope that I stop giving fucks about things beyond my control. I hope my headspace gets better and that, I can..actually..be happy. I know that anyone else in my position (at the surface level at least) would be quite ecstatic with where I am, but it’s difficult for me to be happy without inner peace, so I hope I get there soon.

Anyway, enough of “Bojack” vibes for now..I hope I can start writing more again, because I don’t want the creativity to only stem out of bad phases. I took a break to work on myself, and I feel that a good phase lies ahead..so I will try my best to make the most out of it. Regardless of everything, it is important to know that I am always extremely grateful for the life I have, the family that enabled this life and the people (you know who you are) that make this life worth living. So, I have to keep striving to attain this peace of mind that is in pursuit, and make everyone’s life better at the same too.

Will I be able to achieve this feat? Will I be able to write anything meaningful again? On va voir.

Till then, I have some album suggestions from 2022 for you to experience and vibe on:
Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers by Kendrick Lamar.
Dawn FM by The Weeknd.
A Light for Attracting Attention by The Smile.
Paradise Again by Swedish House Mafia.
Shape & Form by Two Feet.
Underrated by Ollie.
Twelve Carat Toothache by Post Malone.
Unlimited Love by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Melt My Eyez See Your Future by Denzel Curry.
Fever Dream by Cannons.
AM Gold by Train.
INSIDE (Deluxe) by Bo Burnham.
Rainless City by Channel Candice.
From a Birds Eye View by Cordae.
I Blame The World by Sasha Alex Sloan.
Based On A Feeling by Sabrina Claudio.
Caprisongs by FKA twigs.
I NEVER LIKED YOU by Future.
Come Home The Kids Miss You by Jack Harlow.
EXPLOSIONS by Three Days Grace.
Ramona Park Broke My Heart by Vince Staples.
Ego Trip by Papa Roach.
MORE D4TA by Moderat.
Dropout Boogie by The Black Keys.
Harry’s House by Harry Styles.
The Way That Lovers Do by Prateek Kuhad.

Also, the Sadnecessary (Acoustic) album by Milky Chance and Apoptosis by Inner Wave are worth a listen.

How Much Is Too Much ?

It’s true that I’m only twenty five,
But that does not imply I haven’t seen much of life.
My younger days were fun as I was notorious,
But with time, I have turned into something so empty and contagious.

Helping others get through life without feeling lonely felt like my purpose,
But I’ve hurt people enough to know this is not my gift but a curse.
I don’t know if I can or how to bring about a change,
And show to you that my character and behaviour can rearrange.

After years of control, my dark side has finally been unleashed,
And I feel so vulnerable, under the control of this evil beast.
Trapped in the middle of my own trouble web, I think I’m losing myself,
Maybe I deserve it coz I’ve taken too many hearts and left them unnoticed on my shelf.

The way I am, self-loathing is not something I ever considered turning to,
But it’s extremely difficult to live with myself after knowing what I’ve put you through.
My thoughts conflicted, my head is twisted,
I’ve made you feel everything besides what I had intended.

I’ve always asked how much is too much,
But off late, I feel what I’ve done is more than enough.
I’m only a menace to the ones I care about,
So they should eliminate me from their lives without a doubt.